Nintendo Switch 2 Delayed Over Tariffs | Lutnick: Only Jobs For Robots | Trump's Gone Full Dictator – YouTube Dictation Transcript & Vocabulary

1.welcome in here out there to the late show I'm your host Steven Colbear It is it is April 8th and I hope you have finished your Christmas shopping Uh cuz today was officially the last shopping day before tariffs on imported goods come into force at midnight tonight So don't forget on Amazon to click 23 minute shipping Obviously no one is happy about what this is going to do to our ability to buy stuff except for one group Husbands forced to sit on the little chair in the dressing room at Nordstrom Rack You know their slogan Yeah I like that one too The tariff the tariffs are already hitting America right in the joystick because gamers were supposed to be able to order Nintendo's Switch 2 starting tomorrow but now Nintendo has delayed Switch 2 pre-orders in the United States over the Trump tariffs What i I need my Nintendo What am I supposed to do without a new Mario game take a bunch of mushrooms and jump on turtles in real life that's That's what got me banned from the petting zoo With Trump's tariffs looming over the economy today was a wild ride on Wall Street By 10:28 this morning the Dow had soared up 1,400 points But by the end of the day it was down 320 points which led the AP to issue the statement "You should have retired at 10:28 this morning." Yeah So why why the early excitement wall Street was all hopped up on the hopes that Trump might be willing to negotiate down tariffs But will Trump actually do that yesterday he said yes And also he said no You're talking about negotiations and yet others in your administration are saying that these tariffs are actually permanent What is the act what's Well it could be it can both be true [Applause] No no you can't say it's temporary and it's permanent That's like being asked to call heads or tails and saying I call coin But then around noon around noon the White House confirmed that they will be slapping a whopping 104% tariff on China at midnight tonight And the market stepped on a rake and then fell down a minehaft 104% Chinese tariffs are going to make everything more expensive iPhones laptops those wonderful knockoff toys you can find only at the gas station like new style ninja tortoise Treyer Fomos and my personal favorite Specialman Look look up from the sky It's a bird It's a plane It's a bird It's a bird Special man doesn't know how to fly He can't Uh there he is He's walking over here now Naturally China is not pleased Last night after these tariffs were proposed their Ministry of Commerce said the US threat to escalate tariffs on China is a mistake on top of a mistake Coincidentally it's also what it's called when Don Jr gives Eric a piggyback ride The um Thank you the Ministry of Commerce Look All back from last night the Ministry of Commerce of China also stated that China will never accept it Oh no Now we're in a trade war with China Save us special man He's on the bus He's taking the bus over Now a lot of people have been talking smack about a lot of these tariffs but guess what Buttercup they're working because we just learned Zimbabwe became the first country to officially cave on Trump's tariffs Oh yeah that must have been very exciting news for Donald Trump because it was definitely the first time he had ever heard of Zimbabwe Folks great news We just got a great concession a huge concession really from that little truck that cleans the ice at hockey games the the Zimbabwe Hey drive that That is I tell you what the economic road is rough That's going to smooth things right over In case you didn't know Zimbabwe has a GDP of $35 billion a year That's almost as big as the greater metropolitan area of Pipsy New York which is say it with me the sixth largest economy in the state of New York Why didn't you say it with me trump's team has been all over TV trying to sell his incoherent tariffs especially Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnik who went on the CBS nation face and explained that electronics factories are coming back to America with one small catch Remember the army of millions and millions of human beings screwing in little little screws to make iPhones that kind of thing is going to come to America It's going to be automated It's really automated It's automated factories Automated factories Wait a second So your theory is we'll get our factories back but they'll only have jobs for robots So you'll be broke but at least your Roomba can afford to send its kids to college Think of the little Roombinos We've also been hearing way too much from Trump's uh Treasury Secretary and sample body in the window at the mortuary Scott Vess Bessent Bessant Bessant Bessent Bessant had a message for folks worried about the retirement accounts No you're not What is your message to Americans who want to retire right now and who've just seen their lifetime savings drop significantly i think that's a false narrative Americans who want to retire right now the Americans who have put away for years in their savings accounts I I think the uh don't look at the day-to-day fluctuations of what's happening Have you met seniors the only thing they pay more attention to than their retirement savings is the weather where you live Not all of Trump's advisers share his bright vision of a 19th century workhouse Elon Musk needs Tesla parts from overseas and he sells a lot of Teslas all over the world So over the weekend he made direct appeals to Trump to reverse the tariffs in an attempted intervention Uh um uh Mr President when you see when you um when you tariff uh countries that make my audio parts you uh you hurt my money's feelings And now now I just um uh why don't you put down the executive order and uh uh let's do drugs Yesterday Trump held an event yesterday Uh Trump held an event at the White House to honor the World Series champion LA Dodgers He welcomed the champs with a heaping helping of Word Goulash Here he is trying to talk about the team's record going into last year's postseason You entered the playoffs battered and bruised but not broken When you ran out the healthy arms you ran out of really healthy They had great arms but they ran out It's It's called sports It's called baseball in particular and pitchers I guess you could say in really particular His brain is out of here Trump also compared hanging out with athletes to his usual crew of GOP toadies Max Muny I want to congratulate Max Max come here These arms are very strong when I touch them I'm used to shaking politicians and hitting their armor like jello- and now it's like and now it's like steel He's very strong I tell you these politicians arms like jello head like a big pile of ice cream eyes are two little Oreos and the nose was an ice cream cone Might be thinking of cookie puss It's uh it's college sports Of course celebrating the Dodgers took time away from Trump's favorite pastime celebrating himself But he's got a big one coming up because he's reportedly planning a military parade through DC for his own 79th birthday A military parade for a dictator's birthday Johnny tell America what they've won An all expense paid trip to a supermax prison in exotic El Salvador Dunde Esta Elhabius Corpus Plus Generations of Dynastic Rule by Don Jr Don Jr Jr and Robo Eric And a dinette set from Roy Hill Roy Hill We're out of dinette sets because they're made in China Back to you Steve Rolling the tanks Rolling the tanks down Pennsylvania Avenue reportedly will not come cheap Experts estimate it will cost $92 million Hello Hello Doge Hello Doge Yes I'd like to report some government inefficiency Thanks What's that no No Elon the hair plugs look great No no one can tell I got to I got to I got to No no I got to go No no I I I don't want to have your baby Thank you There's also I'm not ready I'm not ready I'm not ready to have a family There's also a salacious scandal involving Secretary of the Interior and Count Choula Esquire Doug Bergam Because in an explosive expose or exploose we learned this weekend that Doug Bergam demands that his staff bake him fresh cookies Reportedly Bergam likes chocolate chip preferably fresh baked and still warm Well yeah dude That's what everyone likes Something unique about me I prefer ice cream before it melts And and I like sex that feels good on my penis I'm quirky this way I'm an oddball Fresh baked cookie down there doesn't feel bad either This is not merely an innocent request for baked goods Apparently political appointees in Bergam's office have been seen crying because of the demands placed on them which has earned Bergam the nickname Doug the Diva Okay kind of a weak name for a diva It's the lamest since Mariah Gary We got a great show for you tonight Woody Harlson will take the coar questionnaire and I'll be talking to bestselling author Michael Lewis the moment we come back Meanwhile y'all join us won't you [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause]