The Secret to Self Confidence – YouTube Dictation Transcript & Vocabulary

1.[Music] hello and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology Hello everybody welcome back to the show welcome back to the podcast new listeners old listeners wherever you are in the world so amazing to have you here for another episode today we're talking about something that I think we all naturally struggle with especially in our 20s and that is self confidence a very lovely listener of the show actually messaged me about her own struggles with self-confidence and self love so this episode is dedicated to her and her Wonder episode idea confidence is such a valuable feeling and a valuable attitude to have but sometimes it can be really hard to believe in ourselves to believe in our own abilities and our bodies our appearance our value to the world and I think this is especially the case in our 20s you know a decade that is defined by Confusion by uncertainty massive shifts in how we perceive ourselves you know there is this very I think widespread romanticization or Romanticism about our 20s as you know our golden years where we are young and free we're able to reinvent ourselves and kind of run wild across the world but all of those experiences and those expectations they come hand inand with a lot of confusion and at times some pretty massive plunges in our confidence and our self-esteem and our confidence it can be altered by so many factors like comparison to those around us you know exploring our identity and sometimes not coming up with the right answers maybe your confidence has been damaged by the pressure to have it all figured out you know these Financial pressures failure rejection social media the list is really endless and all of these things can take a massive toll on our selfworth as we kind of attempt to navigate this very strange and confusing chapter but I do honestly think that life is too short to not be the most confident version of yourself to not love yourself more than anyone else can in the world to not completely Embrace every part of you you know the good the bad the ugly ugly and just be unafraid of what other people may think and if you are struggling with a lack of confidence you know you are not the only one that is for sure but also we can change that we have the power you know we all know those people who are able to remain really sure of themselves no matter what who can walk into a room and Captivate it who are magnetic and self assured and you can be that person and as we'll explore in this episode confidence is very much derived from our own self-perception and internal ideas of where we fit in the world and so much of that self-perception is actually within our control we all want to be confident you know the saying goes that confidence is our most attractive feature but it's also not something that we gain overnight so in today's episode mod we are going to break down the psychology of building up our self-confidence and our self-love especially in our 20s from you know the very elements and and foundations of confidence to the reasons why we sometimes struggle with loving ourselves and finally some of those everyday habits that we can use to improve our self-confidence there's so much in this episode so much valuable research so much valuable psychology so let's get into it and get to the bottom of how we can be the most confident versions of ourselves confidence is a concept I think we all understand or have some idea of but just to provide a bit of a refresher essentially it refers to the feeling or belief that we have in our own selfworth and in our own value I think that confidence is a highly subjective experience and it relates to different attributes for different people you know perhaps when you're listening to me speak about confidence you're thinking about it as it relates to your appearance or your body or your fashion choices but it can also relate to things like your intelligence how confident you are in your opinions in your work performance in your life choices your interpretation is really entirely up to you but also entirely different from someone else's essentially self-confidence it stems from self-esteem which is an entirely and very personal element of our being and self-esteem is made up of a number of different factors like our sense of identity our sense of belonging our resilience the support structures that we have around around us and our childhood experiences as well all of these things they have an impact and on you know what exactly we may feel insecure about our self-esteem and therefore the level of confidence that we're going to have in our day-to-day lives every individual is going to have varying levels of confidence and you know there are some people out there who are you know very naturally confident more than you know any other person and there's a reason behind that our levels of of confidence they're actually very much directly aligned to this interaction between nature and nurture I want to kind of go into this a little bit more because I think it is so interesting but essentially your confidence comes from both biological and genetic factors like your temperament but also environmental factors like how you were raised or how your parents treated you or those Early Childhood experiences so let's consider two children here to kind of shed some more light on this idea so one of them from childhood has had a really bubbly and uninhibited temperament they have shown themselves to be really curious and inquisitive and very vocal and they had parents or caregivers who encouraged them who validated their feelings validated their opinions allowed them to take risks and be authentic and then we have this other person and as a child they were naturally very quiet they preferred to be in their own world and spend time with themselves and they also had parents who weren't so encouraging who didn't give them the space and the security to explore the world and to explore their interests you know maybe they spoke down to them and insulted them these two children are going to become entirely different adults because of that combination of factors because of that combination of you know personality of their kind of internal biology and their temperament and also the environment and you know if for example that second child's parents had been really encouraging full of love and compliments and opportunities to learn maybe things would have turned out differently but maybe not sometimes our instincts and our temperament really do take over but that doesn't mean that your destiny is sealed and we'll discuss this a bit later but there are so many amazing ways to nurture your own self-worth and your own value without needing external validation or I guess allowing others opinions to really dominate your own opinion of yourself I think there is is also an important distinction between confidence and arrogance confidence is a really attractive quality it's beautiful because when we display confidence and self assurance we demonstrate that we respect ourselves that we trust our decisions and our worth but also that we're open to others we're not afraid of others opinions we're willing to take on board what they have to say because we aren't afraid of criticism or the opportunity to become a better person I think confidence the reason it is so attractive and so beautiful is because it contains that really healthy balance between self-respect and respect for others and in contrast arrogant people they're normally absolutely blind to the value and the growth that other people can offer them they're completely firm in their belief that they are always right that they are the glue that kind of binds the world together that everyone is constantly admiring them because they have no Faults they never make mistakes these people are unpleasant to be around because of this inflated sense of self-importance and if you have an arrogant person in your life be that you know a coworker a friend a family member you might also notice how difficult it is for them to have a conversation about anything other than themselves you know or their lives or to have a convers ation that isn't completely dominated by their opinion they're also really uncompromising and stubborn like I said very unpleasant and very different from someone who has a healthy balanced level of confidence and I don't think that is the kind of person we're striving to be right we're not striving to be someone who can never take on board others opinions who doesn't have enough respect for themselves to realize that other people can say things about them and maybe wrong but also maybe be right you know we want to be self assured we want to display a great deal of trust in ourselves whilst not being overbearing on those around us or unable to take feedback but even the most confident individuals in our lives even the most arrogant people in our lives they're always going to have insecurities much like confidence I guess insecurity is also highly subjective you know I was having this conversation with my friend the other day about a photo that was taken of her and someone that we knew posted it online and I screenshotted it and I sent it to her being like you look absolutely gorgeous in this photo because she really did she looked amazing and her response was so interesting because she absolutely hated it what we notice and dislike about ourselves is so subjective compared to how other people people see us and aside from our own individual evaluations of our of our features and our abilities and our characteristics that will ultimately impact on our confidence levels there are some other events and experiences that I think can be really disruptive and I think can be very much linked to those drops in self-esteem the first one is really big life events and I know that doesn't sound very logical or very much related to self-confidence but it really is because in those moments where you know maybe we've been fired we've lost a close family member we've just graduated from uni these situations Force us into new experiences that we don't really have the skills or the capabilities to cope with yet so we're not confident in our experiences those periods of uncertainty those periods of confusion where things are kind of live changing all around us they can really shake our core values and also shake our self-esteem because previously we kind of knew the lay of the land right we knew what was happening we were comfortable but when a big wrecking ball kind of comes in and disrupts that suddenly we don't have that confidence in our own abilities because everything is new I think also certain relationships that we have are really really critical and impactful on how we see ourselves elves I will always remember this guy I was dating in late 2021 and he always used to make these little comments about the things I did or my podcast or my essays at Uni and those little comments those little things that he said that you know weren't a big deal in the moment they kind of slowly chipped at my confidence right now and In This Moment a few years on I can't remember his exact words but I remember how I felt and how much they distorted my self-image and my self-worth the things that others say the relationships that we have and the attitudes that those people have towards us the respect that they show us they're going to be hugely impactful on our confidence I'm sure for anyone who's listening to this who's had maybe a narcissistic partner or someone who's spoken down to them will relate to that right we care about those people who are closest to us and we care about their opinion so what they have to say can really hurt so sometimes it's worth evaluating close relationships and kind of appraising whether the things they say to you make you feel better make you feel good about yourself or bring you down another huge one social media and comparison I really like do I need to say more the content that we see online can be so triggering and detrimental to our confidence you know people with perfect bodies perfect lives Perfect Skin perfect jobs perfect relationships it's hard to remember that not all of that is real it's a bit of a facade it's a highlight real and I did a whole episode on kind of how we can stop comparing ourselves to others but the links between social media and self-confidence are endless you know there was research done in Australia I think a few years back and it shows that the more time you spend on social media the more you're going to compare yourself to others and this social comparison it's linked to things like lower self-esteem poorer confidence levels and higher Social Anxiety so if you're feeling you know maybe a bit down at the moment you're unable to tap into that kind of tenacity and that belief in yourself maybe it's important to re-evaluate your relationship with others but also your relationship with comparison and social media in particular and this is really important for what I want to discuss next because the opinions of others and the comparison that we create with them is without a doubt one of the most influential factors that is going to impact our confidence levels but despite all of these obstacles all of these challenges and environmental factors and barriers we can restore and build our self-confidence that is something that we have agency over something that we are in control of all of that and more in just a second I really want to dive into how we can build self-confidence which is essentially The Core theme of this episode and I want to do this especially if you're someone who doesn't find that confidence comes naturally to you I think a massive inhibitor for feeling confident and sure of ourselves particularly in social situations is a fear of what others are thinking of us and I want to talk about how we can change our mindset to kind of discard these fears the truth is that we place a lot of weight on other people's judgments because we are pack animals who evolutionarily really required the approval of our social groups and our appears to survive and that instinct remains and part of that instinct is being very aware of the opinions of others and trying to control them you know have you ever tried on an outfit that you absolutely loved and then as soon as you left the house you suddenly felt really uncomfortable and worried about what other people were thinking or you know you suddenly feel really embarrassed about something that you've said in a group situation that I'm sure you know the people around you have quickly forgotten or you've met new people and you're carefully kind of choosing every movement every word choice closely examining how they're responding to you that is a direct result of that instinctual urge and in those moments we don't feel particularly confident and for many people it feels easy to feel sure of ourselves and to speak our mind and wear what we want when we're alone or amongst close friends and family but not so much in the presence of strangers or people that we don't know that well but here's a you know a little secret that I think we often forget nobody is looking at you as closely as you're examining yourself those feelings you have worrying if you look nice if you're breathing too loudly on the bus if people find you annoying everyone else around you is having those exact same fears about themselves we're all in our own little selfish bubbles I guess and acknowledging that is probably one of the most freeing realizations that we can have because the truth is that no one cares as much as you do and those people that do well that's new you know it's really not your problem honestly you know seriously ask yourself in those moments what does it matter if that person doesn't like me why is their opinion important often we place a lot of emphasis on what we expect people to think of us because we are projecting our own inner critic and our inner critic is essentially this little voice in our head that likes to point out everything that we've done wrong every reason that we are unlovable and unlikable it demeans us and often the way that it does this is by using the presence of other people to stifle us and to make us self-conscious because often we care more about what other people think of us than we think about ourselves and that's why the potential opinions of others is leveraged by our inner critic to keep us from feeling good about ourselves but our inner critic it loses that power when we essentially take away its its main ammo or its main weapon which is caring about the opinions of others and I think one of the biggest things that I've personally learned in my 20 is that people's perceptions of me are their decision and it's their problem not mine you know psychology shows that people are always going to enter into an interaction or an environment with a pre-existing expectation or a schema and a schema is essentially their individual internal structure for organizing information for making quick judgments or appraisals of a situation including the people within it these ways of judging the world are influenced by a lot of things and it means that when we enter into a new situation our brain is unconsciously telling us what to pay attention to what information to gather what immediate judgments to make and these schemas or ways of seeing the world they're not only hard to change but they're also highly individual so if someone sees you doing something and makes an assumption about you based on your clothes or your walk or how loud you are or whatever it is that has nothing to do with you the next person you know you see in the street is going to have an entirely different schema and therefore an entirely different image of you and you can't control that so you really have no choice but to just I guess be yourself rather than trying to change to make everyone like you because how they see you is their problem it's an individual ual issue and isn't that so liberating that realization that no one cares as much as we do and even if they did we don't have to care I think I really find a lot of Peace in this understanding but if it's something that you you know still find really difficult to come to terms with or accept I also think it's really worth reminding ourselves about you know the finality of life and the transitory kind of nature of so many of our interactions that person whose opinion you care so much about that person does not matter they'll probably never see you again and I want you to do this thought exercise with me for a second can you remember the last stranger that you judged and why can you remember the last person you saw and you thought you know W I really don't like their outfit or their laugh is really obnoxious what was that person actually wearing what did that person look like what was their name that person with the loud laugh or whatever it is how often do you actually think about them these are details that we can rarely remember and the same goes for other people's momentary and transitory perceptions of us they pass and within a few minutes it's really not going to matter and you may be thinking you know well what about people whose opinions do impact me like co-workers or acquaintances here's the thing and be prepared for a bit of existential shock but every single one of those people is going to die one day and so are you and those opinions they had of you they are not going to matter they're not going to matter in 5 years they're not going to matter when you're kissing your grandchildren or when you're on your deathbed so why should they matter right now and why not be your true authentic self in this moment why not be the most confident version of you to wear what you want express your opinions because you know they matter say what you feel Speak Your Truth try new things even if you think you're going to fail you know like I said at the beginning of this episode when you realize that life is too short to care about what others think when you realize that what other people think about you is their problem and not yours I think the next chapter of our life really begins and it's a chapter that's really defined by confidence definitely easier said than done though I will say so what I really want to do is kind of guide us through some of the tips and strategies that I use to really create and build my self-confidence in the moments when it doesn't really come naturally firstly sometimes you just have to fake it until you make it you know it's not just a saying it's a real psychological experience when we change the way we perceive ourselves even if it's by you know lying to ourselves for a bit or convincing ourselves that we feel differently to how we may internally this is still going to alter how we act towards ourselves you know it's like you're playing a part the part of a confident person that's soon you know not going to feel so fake anymore and I know it sounds insincere but using this principle really does allow us to cultivate an attitude of confidence that we may not otherwise have it's the same reason why you know forcing yourself to smile for even a few minutes is going to make you happier even if just for a moment because by faking it our brains react to that and begin to feel it psychologists have actually studied this idea and this saying to fake it till you make it to assess whether there's been any truth behind it whether it's correct and not just a popular phrase turns out it is turns out that it really does mean something we can alter so much about how we feel our confidence our happiness our Mood by how we actively choose to behave in a very well-known study that I'm sure you've heard of if you studied psychology in uni re Searchers found that they could enhance the mood of participants by simply asking them to just fake a smile and the same goes for confidence if they you know asked people to pretend that they were playing apart that they were in a play or a movie and their character was this really confident self- assured individual they found that after they'd engaged in this kind of play after they'd engaged in this experiment the people who who were acting actually did feel more confident and I truly do believe that altering your mindset and attitude will translate to authentic confidence you know tell yourself that you are the most magnetic person in any room that people are drawn to you that they want to hear what you have to say tell yourself that your contributions are worthwhile tell yourself that you are confident act the part it works I promise really does work it completely changes how we behave I think this links really nicely to my next tip that I really use religiously which is affirmations and I know when I say that when I talk about affirmations a lot of people immediately think of you know manifestation and New Age Enlightenment but it has a lot more to do with scientific evidence and psychology then you might think if you're not familiar with the concept essentially affirmations are positive statements that you say to yourself such as I am confident or I am valuable I deserve to be happy I attract love I believe in myself and this may seem bizarre and maybe you're like okay Gemma these are not the tangible evidence-based tips that I'm used to but there is genuine evidence and a real proven psychological theory behind why affirmations actually improve our confidence and one of the key theories behind this is called self-affirmation Theory essentially this Theory concludes that we have the ability and the agency to build up our own self-image and restore it when it's damaged by you know negative comments online or the nasty end of a relationship that might damage our self-esteem essentially the theory concludes that we can maintain and build our self-confidence by telling ourselves positive things and when these are repeated enough we begin to believe them affirmations are part of that they can really help strengthen our selfworth by boosting your positive opinion of yourself as well as your outward confidence and this is also backed up by research a study done a few years back it looked at people who regularly practiced positive affirmations about themselves and this was an MRI study so it particularly looked at how the brain reacted to this practice and the researchers they found that there are specific neural Pathways and areas of the brain that are involved in confidence and positive valuation and positive opinions about ourselves that lit up as soon as we started practicing positive affirmations these neural Pathways just Shone so bright these areas of the brain showed immense AC ity and that is kind of goes to that point when we say positive things to oursel like I am confident I am a good person I am nice I am deserving of the things that happen to me of the good things that happen to me our brain starts to have a more positive opinion of us affirmations also have the amazing kind of healing effect or benefit I guess of reducing rumination which is the tendency to get stuck on negative thoughts and also promoting a positive and optimistic Outlook or mindset so you're not just improving your confidence but the whole package deal here next I think creating an environment cultivating the relationships the hobbies and activities that bring out our strengths can do wonders on our self-love Journey the reason being that they allow us to connect with our core values and self-perception in the these instances when we are doing things that we love interacting with the people that we love we feel our most authentic and from authenticity flows confidence if you're feeling low struggling with loving yourself go and do something that you know that you're good at and that you know that you enjoy maybe it's your daily word or providing really good advice to a friend or going for a run doing things that we're good at and even better working towards being better at them not just for others but for ourselves it brings out our self-confidence because it promotes internal rather than external validation internal validation is so important here because it rests solely on our own individual perceptions of ourselves rather than others so we essentially get internal validation when we do things that align with our core sense of selves and that we feel proud of so when we promote internal validation it's more within our control how we feel about ourselves our confidence is more within our control you know people who base their self-esteem on external validation and what other people think rather than what we think about ourselves they tend to have poorer self-con self-confidence and this is because like we said before the opinion of others are not within our control they can be really inconsistent and fickle and they often result in US focusing more on pleasing others out of fear of their judgment rather than making ourselves happy I think it also perpetrates a very toxic cycle whereby the more we need validation from others the more that it isn't enough and We crave it without ever really sitting down and questioning whether we like ourselves internal validation is your best friend and there are ways that we can encourage it one exercise that my therapist told me to do which I found so so valuable is to write down five things that you love about yourself not things that other people necessarily like about you not things to do with your appearance but core parts of your being core parts of your personality that you love and I think when she had me do this exercise I said things like I love how motivated I am or I love that I'm really decisive and then she asked me to consciously recognize every time I did something that aligned with that quality that I loved and it really helped I would really recommend because it builds up the validation that you have for yourself you no longer need to look to other people to feel confident if you can say to yourself like wow I'm amazing I can't believe I did that or think about how much you've achieved or wow I'm so motivated and I can see that I'm motivated in my actions we become naturally more confident I think a lot of these tips are concerned with changing our internal self-perception rather than things about our you know our appearance or our environment but you know honestly sometimes there is nothing better than wearing something you really love and putting on an amazing song and strutting down the street to improve your confidence or just you know really liking a photo that you look great in or a random compliment from a stranger you know the other week this older lady at the Bookshop said I had really nice eyes and let me tell you the confidence from that lasted for at least a week it was so affirming because sometimes we do need external validation it feels good and I know I focused a lot on our own internal you know perspective and opinion of ourselves but it doesn't mean that you need to disregard anything nice someone says to you or does for you because it does really feel good it's just about finding that healthy balance and reentering yourself on what matters I truly truly believe that self-confidence selflove self assurance it's not about our environment it's not about how you look or any kind of external factors it's about your internal and individual perception and you can change your appearance as much as you want but if you don't in you know don't address your internal insecurities and how you feel about yourself there is no diet there is no fashion choice no exercise habit no makeup in the world world that is going to make you feel better about yourself if your internal perception and if your mind isn't already on board confidence is an internal process that can be aided by you know really positively affirming Who You Are by saying those statements to yourself that I am confident I am valuable I am attractive I find myself attractive my body does what I want it to do I don't need to care about what other people think about it or you know I like what I'm wearing your opinion is the only one that really matters in these instances and really staying focused on that not letting other people's negative criticisms or even your expectations of what they may think about you impact on your own self-worth I think is really the secret ingredient to feeling really really confident I think it's important to remind ourselves that there are going to be days where we do not feel amazing about ourselves where you are not confident that's totally normal like any feeling like any attitude it es and flows but researching this this episode really understanding where confidence comes from what impacts it I think what it made me realize was that it is actually something within my control and that there are so many instances in which I don't put my opinion of myself first I put the opinion of someone else and and sometimes that can actually lead us into situations in which we're doing things that we you know that don't really align with our values reentering yourself at the center of your own world is so important and I don't think it means you have to completely dismiss everyone else's opinions but practicing that selflove practicing those affirmations listening to amazing freaking music and dancing around in your underwear if that's what makes you feel really really good that's what you should do because it really is up to you to kind of engage with how you feel and change your environment change your internal attitudes to reflect how you want to be I think that's all we have time for today but thank you for following along I had such an amazing time thinking about this exploring this researching this like I said confidence it is a huge huge element of our 20s and it's something that can be really confusing it's something that can be really shaky it's something that we don't always have but I promise that you're getting there I think I realized that I'm getting there not every day is going to be amazing but those small slow steps on our own self-love Journey really do lead to long-term impacts and I truly do believe that all of us can be the most confident versions of ourselves all of us can love ourselves like no other person can in this world so I really hope that you believe that as well thank you for listening thank you for coming along this journey with me if you feel inclined to do so if you did really enjoy this episode please feel free to leave a fstar review on Apple podcast Spotify wherever you're listening right now it really helps the show to grow and to reach new people if you want to follow me on Instagram at that psychology podcast I take episode suggestions this was one of them I thought it was such an amazing idea so if there's something that you want to hear please send it through um and also it's just where I release new episodes and um talk about what's happening on the show talk about merch um if you want to follow you know please feel free to do so and thank you so much for listening I will be back next week with another episode d