Parks and Rec clips to watch while you procrastinate | Parks and Recreation – YouTube Dictation Transcript & Vocabulary

1.Lesley hey honey good morning how did you sleep I adopted 32 cats and dogs do you want pancakes I'm going to make pancakes is that a pig which one is that a pig talking about this one this one right here yes that is a pig April I want you to check in with our police liaison Donna I need you to go to ramit park Tom you're with me so when you say that you want me to check in with the police leaz on you mean hook up with him right no just check in with him I got you something in London a traditional Barrister wig oh wear it for me yeah mhm all right what's that no not sexy failed experiment take it off okay just just take it off okay no so you do a lot of investing we like to dabble I recently invested in some shirts I got at a garage sale left those at Wendy's on the way home so the economy how do I fight back give me some options do you want me to seduce Pur happle how would that help I don't know I just want to see if I can do it April I appreciate that but I don't think it's something worth losing your virginity over oh my God there's a room full of Just Guns why do you have so many guns this is America isn't it yes then I don't have to answer stupid questions while standing on my own property Miss Perkins Chris Trager has questioned when my relationship with Ben Wyatt began I'd like to direct you to your inbox and specifically an email entitled yay that's y a and 18 y's and 44 exclamation points yes it is an email from you oh and there's an attachment M intriguing could you play the attachment please sure in a world on the brink of financial meltdown in a town unlike any other an adorable man with a cute face and the future president of the United States what went from being friends to being so so much more an Ben and I hooked up last night ah and I learn how to use iMovie call me later bye JJ a few months ago I came in here and began eating eggs they were delicious so I ordered more before long I believe I had eaten 51 eggs in 20 minutes couldn't cook them fast enough the last 10 were still in the Shell it was a JJ's Diner record and you took his picture now we need that picture nature for privacy reasons okay but I don't know how anybody would know it's you we followed your instructions that's too much information let's go where are we going now I've eaten a lot of food and a lot of restaurants why is everyone else so bad at eating things are falling through the cracks I'm pretty sure you've worn that sweater 4 days in a row or I own four identical versions of the same sweater no you don't there's an old LOL Lop that's been stuck to the back since Tuesday that's the style now Ron it's called lollipopping all the kids are doing it this isin't going to work okay you did not just swivel away while I was talking to you this spaceship keyboard is driving me crazy I'm down to one word a minute and the word is perli club because I can't fly spaceships Ron April and Andy you'll be throwing a party for our biggest donor ooh I can't believe our house is going to be full of rich people named doy and Todd and Rick is the menu all set yes I will be providing several slabs of my world famous Swanson ribs and I will be providing my world famous $100 lap dances sweet no I'm going to break dance hey Leslie coming thank God Leslie I'm here we have to go hire a new PR director for the health department oh my God I'm so hung over I've never been this hung over I feel great I ran 5K this morning really no I threw up in the shower top of the morning everyone I brought some burgers and fries eat up the protein soaks up the sugar first you take the cow to The Killing Floor Tommy for the dunk my screen why couldn't Donna do it because Donna's reading Jerry's Italian poem cono Chas C Neutron D Amar does anyone know if she has any Indian in her no one respond no one say anything why I'm just curious if Ann has a little inion in her silence I don't think she does would she lik what's up I'm Harris I'm 33 years young I have my cousin Jason's truck for two more weeks I have one testicle whacka all accident and I'm down to clown Harris we know who you are I literally just fired you is this that job that's crazy never mind why would you think Harris would be the best candidate cuz he's one of only two applicants with actual experience in Animal Control uh does that mean what up yo my name is Brett I like burgers and also I'm very high right now dude this is hilarious oh y man we live together no we live in the same place boy hey wild stallion do you guys know why they're all those cops out there where the cops at I got to go yo okay listen up folks we have a security situation here as you know when we reach a location I will be conducting a security sweep also from now on we'll be using code names you can address me as Eagle One and code name been there done that April is currently doing that Donna is it happened once in a dream Chris code name if I had to pick a dude Ben is Eagle to oh thank God maybe we should get the sweet here for him okay Ben Wyatt hello uh hi lesie good to see you too wow you're really burning up can I get some money for the cab that I took over here please sure how much I'm not sure I looked at the meter and it had Egyptian hieroglyphics on it do you know the exchange right so should we do this oh boy hold on be careful what the floor and the wall just switched okay walk very carefully good Joan has always been kind of a train wreck but the last three years she's gone off the deep end she did a string of shows from rehab Victoria Herzog you were a successful attorney from Wilmington Delaware then you hit rock bottom this is supposed to be anonymous she once gave every member in her audience a car one car that they all had to fight for oh and last year she did a show where she called all of her ex-boyfriends while sitting on a washing machine well Eric if you didn't give it to me then who did I love her so much I hope she's my real mom but the Ben Wyatt that I know I just don't think he'd be happy sitting here faffing around I'm not faffing around I've sunk myself into my hobbies here I'll show you my claim project okay now I've been working pretty hard on this and I think it's really good so just hang on to your hat okay okay here he goes oh how [Music] great did you pause it no hang [Music] on oh my God that's the whole thing that's 3 weeks of work you're going to be okay what is on your foot sir my trusty sandals believe a man's feet should remain uncaged same goes for all chickens well uh Eagleton Ron we here in ponie value loyalty above all else so would you be opposed to signing an official loyalty pledge to our new town well as long as that new town were open to the ideals of communal living where everyone pitches in towards a common good now what do you want me to do with this well um my mom is being honored tonight so in a way I am also being honored and I just wanted to mix things up a little bit you know pin it up something sassy but powerful and dynastic hi April good evening sir no I'm off the clock April you don't need to call me my assistant has something she'd like to show you partner oh my assistant has something she'd like to show you partner one small announcement due to a tragic misunderstanding the prettiest Pig beauty pageant has been replaced by a pork rib barbecue competition oh no r g c well that's actually not how respect is spelled according to urra Franklin that's exactly how it spelled RI r r r SW son John Rio that's me I didn't realize you were a part of this of course he is he's my business partner clean business partner now and forever hold up Forever 21 21 gun salute Salute Your Shorts kabo I just free Associated all over the mustache that's just one of many skills he brings to this Business Partnership the shrimp ah okay rethink that move Son oh man I'm way overdressed what are you talking about you look great we look great everyone's looking at us yeah I know you want a drink yes I do very much want to drink that man is staring that's former city councilman Frank Schnabel oh we are in rarified Air Tonight an rarified air he's coming over what okay be cool be cool I will try hello hello former city councilman I am Leslie nope I am the daughter of the Honore this evening I just wanted to tell you that I think that what you who are doing so brave and just being who you are I wish I had your courage okay let's go I got to admit his hair game's on point got to find out what kind of product he puts up in his hair hey how's Leslie's ad going it's very good but yours is also very good you ready for the voiceover yeah Bobby Newports never had a real job in his life you got to give it more attitude it's got to scare people Bobby Newport yeah okay all right Bobby Newports never had a real job in his life Bobby Newports never had a real job in his life Bobby Newport Bobby Newport Bobby Newport Bobby new Bobby Newport Newport Bobby Bobby Bobby Newport all right now we're just wasted time Jerry third time today that's a good Sho shine what the man I I don't know what happened frankly I emitted a noise the noise was involuntary sometimes a sound is just a sound you know Donna quick question an is trying to decide between Mark and myself no she's not if you had to choose who would you choose right now on the spot I'm not sure why you spin around for me you know what can we talk privately sure just out here Andy okay I'm just going to double check your form here Ron you redacted all the information I answered some of them for date of birth you wrote Springtime which is true everything you write down is confidential we need you to give real answers fine how many drinks of alcohol do you consume a week one that's it one drink one shelf do you exercise yes love making and woodworking do you have any history of mental illness in your family I have an uncle who does yoga allergies cowardice and weak willed men and hazelnuts sexual history epic and private so your department Banned Me from attending games just because I yell you suck at the Players according to the complaint you yelled it at 5-year-old girls who suck why is that so hard to understand I'm here for the interview about tonight's Gala yeah listen I'm a little under the weather when I a boo Cruise last week just finished up an hour ago on a completely unrelated note I have horrible allergies sorry to hear that yeah but I do need to promote this event well don't worry about me I'm a true professional The Show Must Go On two hello I'm Joan Calzo Today's Show will not go on seems like her allergies are kicking in so typhoon what do you like to do for fun I'm writing an electronic Opera about Britney Murphy and I do the Chand designed for my friend's drag puppet show no further questions all I really want to do is dance except lately all the good Warehouse waves are filled with Euro trash Euro trash I like that it is indeed a garbage continent yes oh my God I had the worst time in Berlin last May everyone was on their stupid bikes I was like ew please talk more about how you hate Europe and bicycles make a baby tuxedo clothing line a department store with the guest list white fur ear muffs for men contact lenses that display text messages and then a phone that smells good own a nightclub called Eclipse that's only open for 1 hour two times a year cover charge $5,000 I can keep going hi there what's going on here puppy puppy is here can we keep him my neighbor's dog had a lit they're looking for people to adopt I love him I wish he had tiny puppy shoes I would totally shine his little shoes for free a I do say the cutest stuff look I love a good dog as much as the next guy but this building doesn't allow animals Andy take him outside and shoot him no just keep him outside oh come on Ron I'm just a little puppy I ain't done nothing wrong I'm just a puppy I like her mustache I wish I could have one but I can't cuz I'm just a little puppy okay take them out and shoot him you should be able to have sex anywhere you want and show it anywhere you want whether it's girl on girl action bondage or what have you okay hang on pornography is very difficult to Define um in fact it was Justice Stewart who once said I can't Define pornography but I know it when I see it Brandy how would you define pornography for me it's when the penis goes in wow the sky is really beautiful it's pollution from the Sweden's Factory it's gorgeous but is it worth the asthma no okay so you always separate your lights from your darks that's racist and then you get your laundry where's your laundry detergent okay this is uh bubble bath you guys you wash your clothes in bubble bath and bubble bath clothes soap same thing no it's not well you both make bubbles so is this all the eggs we have yes what are you making eggs look at this tiny tree can you eat this oh this one's dead there's is Leslie hey hey this is my boyfriend Derek this is Derrick's boyfriend Ben hi hey oh wait sorry what's this situation what do you mean how does this work Derek is gay but he's straight for me but he's gay for Ben and Ben's really gay for Derek and I hate Ben it's not that complicated oh yeah sure the thing about youth culture is I don't understand it how is married life treating you your husband still know he's the luckiest man in the world Santino and I are divorcing oh it's actually quite liberating I'm a woman with a strong sexual appetite I'm like a caged peacock yearning for the wind on her hunches it's a powerful metaphor maybe we can get that book club sticker in order and we can work on unlocking that peacock cage things have changed Tom don't make any promises you can't keep I'll have another drink and so will this adorable honk of caramel to my right drink up Tom I'm going to go powder my nose amongst other things if you know what I mean is she going to powder her vagina I made two pile files pileo F phop pyos Pho pyos that's not right you broken no everything's fine well I guess that settles who the new Jerry is no it doesn't I barely even said it wrong you said it wrong stop it this is how it begins the next Jerry One screwed up sentence and 30 years later I'm wearing aquamarine sweater vests and listening to Bonnie raen and da Vinci coat on my iPod it's already started okay what do you think of dogs love cats love fish love Turtles no opinion they're condescending describe your ideal man he's dark mysterious and he can sing and he plays the organ I think you just described The Phantom of the [Music] Opera hello Leslie how long have you been sleeping with Ben what how long have you been sleeping with Ben that's disgusting and wrong I don't even get why would I I've never had sex with anyone anywhere it's none of your you have the nerve the audacity B is my boss technically and he is terrible face wise and how how do I know frankly that you're not sleeping with him maybe you are maybe you're trying to throw me off H check and mate this is an outrage who do I call Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey Ron listen you're just who I was looking for are you did you forget the um did you can can I get that thing can we just uh did you bring it this isn't convincing I like Larry he is a good friend and a fine man with an inexplicably gorgeous wife I mean to the point where it makes no sense at all sorry getting off track he's a nice person and we should all stand up and say I like Ben no what are you doing uh he's embarrassing himself and throwing away his career sweetheart stop Oh Captain My Captain what is happening Larry is my friend thank you man I mean that got so startled I tooted come on man gross the rally is going to be held tomorrow at the pony Sports building April you finalized the rental right shut up an I told you never to talk to me that was Champion oh my God I'm sorry bad dog yes everything's fine with the rental let's go right away it's magic time from the top everybody there's no one else here oh my God I'll form a citizen action committee a Lobby from the outside I'll harness the power of the community my God I finally have some work to do thank you so much for dinner honey I can hear you breathing and yes you can finish our pasta thank God I'm so hungry M tast like Froot Loops on [Applause] get up and make it get on Tom I couldn't afford enough premium carpet to get us to the stage I mean it was a short walk but it was pretty luxurious right okay everybody smile away smile away get up and make it happen get on stop waiting on my arm [Music] Andy bab I'm holding the dog he is peeing he's now peeing I'm putting him down Ronnie only has three legs scared run run there's no scares how do I get get to the stage [Music] hug hey what up big T stop this must be the lovely Donna a Shante listen beautiful let's cut the bull right you want this I definitely want this th wants this let's seal this devil's three-way right here right now step one we buy into this club step two we roll over to the club either in your Mercedes-Benz or my pre-owned Acura Legend step three I dagger you on the Dance Floor Just Bounce Bounce Bounce boun now all the ladies saying bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce what do you say sexy I'm out why I hate that guy hello I'm Bertram rolands a citizen of Eagleton with all due respect Miss no can't you just clean up your side of the park put some new equipment there well we would love to do that but unfortunately money is tight right now hello I'm Christine Porter I want to respectfully say that I'm in favor of the fence I see it as a kind of punishment for ponie that might Inspire your town to clean up its act well I would like to respectfully say that any child should be able to play in any park regardless of wealth or status um anyway Miss nope how's that Z bid coming along you know in my experience with capitalism people normally expect money in exchange for their goods and land in my experience with butt faces you are one I've known a lot of ballers in my day but no man balls harder than the man I'm about to bring up he's kind he's intelligent he's a person I'm deeply proud to call my friend he's pretty good speech I mean it was um a little sappy maybe but I think I liked it I'll say it again the men's room needs a separate dispenser for face wash I can't wash my face with hand soap look at these pores they're gaping hey guys time out let's take a brief recess can we help you in I was looking for Leslie but now I'm curious why you guys are sitting around doing nothing and getting drunk at work it's the wine and cheese Club gorgeous it's a monthly Gathering where we all get together and vent about what an noises at work over Fine Wines and cheeses of course Larry salami the human resources department requires that I be available once a month to discuss workplace disputes with my employees the rules do not specify whether or not I'm allowed to Listen to Willie Nelson on my headphones and Kyle parked his car in my spot again now that is the fourth time this month hello I'm sorry everybody makes mistakes he he thinks he's how things go for you today luron James we still on for breakfast you are an hour and a half late for work yeah sorry I can't use my GPS but I figured it out I just drove around in circles until I saw something familiar we think that you may have accidentally tweeted from the parks and wreck account rather than your own personal account uhoh what' it say see you tonight hope you like tongue baths you big nasty firemen then there's a picture of a pair of lips and then a picture of an eggplant I'm both confused and if we're being totally honest a little aroused you know not to give you too much of a peek into my personal life but this could have been way worse Yello haired female likes waffles and news sexy well R blonde loves the sweeter things in life much better Hobbies organizing my agenda wait that doesn't sound fun um jamming on my planner favorite place upstairs there's this mural of wild flowers and I like to sit on a bench in front of it really it could be anywhere in the world Paris Hawaii the Grand Canyon no just the bench in front of the mural what about like an actual Meadow where wild flowers are e and I'm scared of bees mural take me back to Tam for the millionth time no that was not the favor we needed to ask for lesie if we don't get the police for the Harvest Festival there is no Harvest Festival I know I'll figure it out later can you turn the radio off this is our song your song is dancing on in the ceiling by L now Richie oh wow look at that you shaved off part of your mustache that's lovely I didn't shave it off it rubbed off from friction so sister soul sister going to get your phone sister Sweet Lady M are you two a couple no tragically we are both heterosexual money please oh no no there's no money oh my bad no problem that's fine um I'll just destroy this office hey morning please morning please anyway hunting and fishing season is winding down okay and we all know that it's already closed season on TW so now I said TW instead of trout it happens to everyone my marbles are full of mouth today you know what has anybody seen my glasses I don't even think I [Music] can oh Lord is he eating soup on a bench alone thank you alcohol you're wearing snow pants I got home last night and I thought I might go sedding okay so now you're sure that everything is okay you know down there you're perfectly hey that man has the largest penis I have ever seen what is that thank you officer let's just go home as yeah let's go home let go home no just go home no no easy no no no no no no come with me watch out for that fence you guys the penis hats cut your digging time in half I'm serious don't be afraid use the penises I think I need to return the sweater think it fused with my shirt in the dryer something I think that's a sweater shirt combo I think it's going pretty well with Dave he wants me I can totally tell that he wants me I'm right here here you know I'm here right Tom is the only cool person in the office ridiculous Donna I love you Tom you're a little prince just want to put you in a little cape and a little hat and just fly around thank you Donna Jerry Jerry come in oh God lesle hello Jerry Jerry why did you call us in here well because I thought you were what are you doing in my bathroom yes Leslie what are we doing in Jerry's bathroom there is a Parks emergency that only you can help us solve so we need you to get out of the tub let's get going okay jeez I got to get dressed no there's no time there's time Jerry get dressed you've got hazardous chemicals over here yeah which only I'm breathing it's the same Liberty that gives me the right to fart my own car are you going to tell a man that he can't fart in his own car Alex results an an and I can't read it okay and my hands my hands an they're in these round gloves here okay 20% of the precincts reporting Bobby Newport is up by 140 votes okay let's get your hands back up okay go another 8 seconds oh God I'm so tired basically we're being attacked by Godzilla and to beat Godzilla we need Mothra no offense none taken very flattered who's this who's this tall drink of water Andy hey Andy how's it hanging listen we need to break Ron from her spell can't you just move your butt around or wear a dress made out of meat well I could do all of those things and have and in Walnut Creek California they put down a duck that bit a kid but security footage later revealed that it was actually a goose that's great no it's awful Tom how would you feel if you killed an innocent duck and let a vicious Goose waddle free hello is this Mrs Gallivan well my name is April and wouldn't you know it I'm raising money for a city council candidate I believe in no it's like whatever you want like $10 it don't matter well I reckon it's just like Grammy mtha told me and my cousins you can't eat the biscuits if you don't pay for the flow it's a white flag and you may as well start waving it right now only thing I will be waving is your decapitated head on a stick in front of your weeping mother good Lord oh you remember staying homesick from school watching the pre oh God if I was sick could I do this what are you doing car wheels am I not doing them no do we just uh select the woman we desire I will take the large black one interesting choice what did you have some kind of a book with photos of the women available to us if not I will also take the sexy black one I am not surprised at all I've been to South America I did very well there I'm hungry okay well don't be such a baby I cooked you some bacon for a trail snack I ate it already what I could smell it in your purse before I even parked my car and now it's gone and I hate everything can I get apps and zerts zerts are what I call desserts tray trays or Entre I call sandwiches samies sandles or Adam Sandlers air conditioners are cool blasters with a z I don't know where that came from I call Cakes big old cookies I call Noodles long ass rice fried chicken is fry fry chicky chick chicken parm is chicky chicky parm BM chicken catori chicky catch I call eggs pre- birds or future Birds root beer is super water is are bean blankies and I call Forks food rakes look Tammy and I don't work we are oil and water or oil and TNT and C4 and a Detonator and a butane torch nothing good will come wait she's here isn't she hi Ron Tam here good good start I'm sorry about this but I just really want to talk to you couldn't we go have a cup of coffee let's get this over with thanks Ron it means a lot you're up here coworker do you know what you just did yes Donna I got two people to put aside years of hostility and open a door to the possibility of friendship you were not here when Ron and Tammy got divorced I was those two AR crazy yeah and you just open the gates to Crazy Town alert alert alert alert she's here isn't she Oh Hey Ron what a coincidence gosh I never dreamed you'd be here Tammy this is Diane Diane this is a piece of human garbage named Tammy who is also my ex-1 triex wife we were married twice and divorced twice everything is done they're totally done Tammy what are you doing here oh I just have a little something I need to get drilled can I speak with you for a moment everything's fine we're just going to chat shouldn't you be at the library forcing people to borrow books Leslie you and I both know that the library closes at 3:00 p.m

2.of course it does besides I like to keep tabs on Ron so you can ruin his life so I can have fun with him and sometimes ruining his life can be a part of that sure boobs or ass hard to believe this is a fun game for your radio listeners uh I'm going to say but yes you are correct this is my mom's dumper oh Mommy not know how you got your hands on that I took it type in T-Rex for me no no no um t-boss wait wait Tommy tsunami no Ticky Ticky Tom Tom No Fly Guy I wrote Tom classic Timeless I love it Tom I'm asking you as a man to stop this [Applause] immediately what the oh now remember it's about finding a dog that captures your spirit see this is Craig oh no that is insane I will burn this place to the ground if you pick that one okay good choice if you win he's all yours and if I win I bring him back to the farm for good wait what that wasn't the deal pour it I'm thirsty pour me one too then let me in here I'm going to join you and if I win Ron stays here with us Leslie no don't drink that we use it to burn warts off of the mules poison I made a mistake I made a mistake hey Mark um a little birdie told me that you have one unpaid parking ticket that's funny because a little birdie told me that your adopted mother was arrested for marijuana possession snap what you didn't know that huh I didn't know I was adopted oh no oh Jerry oh Jerry I'm so sorry I really didn't want to play that was not my intention it's not your fault he totally baited you with that unpaid parking ticket okay mine says you have a cute butt H that's weird must be a typo yeah Jerry it's probably a typo because it probably should have said you have a cube butt cuz your butt shaped like a cube yeah the question is why is my memo different than everyone else's each department will be getting blue bins do you need to go to the dentist Ron I don't like dentists just a second hey oh no no no no [Applause] no oh what the oh my God I'm sorry everybody what were we talking about recycling dentist pulled the tooth out yesterday but it's always a good idea to demonstrate to your co-workers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain plus it's always fun to see Tom faint doing a little experiment tonight to see what will get me drunker drinking wine come here see what April put on the pits web page right now drinking wine is winning oh my God what am I looking at a video of me drinking some of that wine you stole what why did you do this because I was waiting for my sister and I was bored and my hair looked really good and you put it on the pits web page yeah okay take this off okay I just sent an email to everyone in the government and I put a link to this page a young law breaker a future Leslie nope you too my strange foreign friend no thank you Tom eat some I'm not eating racist salad the more we eat the faster we talk M you can really taste the ignorance it's pronounced anies can I help you yes we were here to see Dennis Feinstein the appointment should be under karate Jonathan karate um I don't see a jonath Jan karate anywhere exactly occasionally on my show we deal with real issues like bullying peer pressure or holding in farts in those very special episodes I become Jonathan karate the very serious older brother of Johnny karate Jonathan karate tells it like it is he makes people do the right thing sometimes you're so focused and driven that you forget about people's feelings oh name one time I've done that well you were so wrapped up in your story that you actually ate my Waffle okay okay okay now what superpower would you rather have would you rather be able to fly or be invisible Ed go first uh fly I guess I forgot to tell you you can only fly 5 ft above the ground I bring a certain panach and spice to the spa experience for these guys before I joined they were just three old white dudes quietly boiling in hot water hello Ron it's Ron if you're watching this it means that once again you have danced with the devil right now you're probably thinking Tammy's changed we'll be happy together but you're only thinking that because she's a monstrous parasite who entered through your privates and lodged herself in your brain so you have two choices one get rid of Tammy or two labotomy and castration Choose Wisely stupid py voters have decisively removed Leslie nope from the city council I got a pizza pizza time it's a pizza time Larry everyone is miserable and you are only making it worse this is probably the first time in history these four great men have been in the same place at the same time it kind of makes you what is this sweater swap she noticed you were right oh my God somebody's here okay guys just act normal please just be like normal people Chris you're first singing anything you want let me hear it okay Take Me Out to the Ball Game Take Me Out to the game I just want to be at the game I would like to eat at the game I'd like popcorn and candy in the home team at the game [Music] right here me first me first all right tear it up 16 emancipate the MS come on and not now come on Leslie just loosen up I know for a fact this is a sex dream you've had looks like it's time for the Gettysburg undress and we're going to have to stop now I'm sorry I'm I'm just not in the mood for historical nudity Please Mr President put your pants back on an can I speak with you privately is your name Gwen yeah I sat behind you in middle school band do you still play the clarinet yeah how have you been man and good luck to the both of us hey h i recognized her potential a long time ago and she's finally living up to it I I am so proud of her I could cry and here we go hey Jerry I got you a peppermint latte seriously my goodness I love a peppermint I know jeez go ahead we should just directly apply the food to your clothes yay making fun of Jerry's bag don't forget your approval pen what there's no such thing yes there is I made it for you last night well uh Ponch burger just recently came out with a new 128 oun option most people call it a gallon but they call it the regular then there is a horrifying 512 o version that they call child size how is this a child size soda well it's roughly the size of a 2-year-old child if the child were liquefied it's a real bargain at $159 I'm Sorry Miss Pinewood but why would anybody need this much it's not my place to speak for the consumer but everyone should buy it Ben Ben is here hi Ben Tad Ben is here hey it is actar very good to see you guys dad they like me here you got to hear this fine I'll go back to your system you're the big dog around here B kangaroo and thank you well yeah I was gone for a while and things were a little different around here but this is still my house I invented this Parks game son damn it when did they put a lamp here now Keith under sex you wrote yes ha well played thank you uh but all jokes aside I'm a boy Keith I had this job for 4 years and I can tell you you get out of it what you put into it what do you hope to get out of it in like a month or so what oh what what am I hoping to get out of this job yeah yeah like one month of money would be would be just right let me give you a situation you're hosting a town hall meeting for local businesses oh there so much stuff you just went kept on going that was like one thing and I didn't even get to the situation yet oh all right well thanks guys I think we've all seen enough still not totally sure what what I'm applying for but if you ask me I think it went pretty well hey there you are wow you two are still talking Ben hasn't bored you to death by now hey he so boring actually we were having a really great talk keep your pants on what I mean keep your pants on girl I mean those are really nice pants I really like your pants where'd you get them do you want to go buy some more pants or um walk away from here and Perkins hey did you maybe tell people that I diagnosed that guy with mums baced on his porn photo I did I'm so proud of you okay because now I have everyone in City Hall sending me pictures of their junk asking me if they have mums oh my God your inbox is literally filled with penises I am so sorry oh look Ed Miller from payroll we are here looking at a videotape this is back in April 2005 we see here we're look should see and he's now about to shake hands with Leslie NOP the alleged sex toy Donnie oh for cp's sake tell us look at the way she's smiling at him mhm and then almost unconsciously touching her hands to her hips see that right there it's like she's sending him a message that she's ready for childbearing Wow Mona Lisa did you order the champagne for the client party tonight did I order the what for the what what what what what are you even talking about right now okay we need to discuss your work cits okay sure but after I take a quick nap because ecstasy takes forever to leave my system anyway we would love to have you design the park and in the spirit of reconciliation Leslie would like to apologize I may have allowed my prejudices my totally legitimate prejudices against Eagleton affect my feelings towards your involvement in this project and so therefore I would like to say that I'm I'm I'm Leslie nope no that's not what I want to say okay I'm my mouth is kind of dry my mouth is dry and this is Canada Dry drink Canada Dry if your mouth is dry that's nothing what I want to say is I'm I'm sorry I'm sorry he's a human being you're a human being you can just just say I'm sorry oh my God I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry that I'm sorry very sorry that I was rude that's too soon God oh no we've lost the auction what no somebody swooped in at the last second and now we're both screwed no okay Terry and Lannister why don't you just cast a spell and get us the waffle iron back oh okay I don't even have time to tell you how wrong you are actually it's going to bug me if I don't the Lannisters while very wealthy do do not possess the magical abilities of say the warlocks of karth for example this is why we don't hang out simple elegant and cost effective if your team keeps this up I think we can hold off on filling the lesli void I think Ben's already filling the Leslie void I'll give it up for that hi I just wanted you to know we're about to be arrested oh my God April that's horrible where are you my mother's butt really that's really helpful let me talk to her April this is city council candidate Leslie nope do not make any trouble sit tight I'm on my way wow you just hung up on her she'd already hung up on me okay Ron isn't here his ex-wife Tammy came and he got scared and ran away well acting manager of the parks department I declare that everything you are saying is stupid I love you how dare you Leslie please it's not worth it for you for me I don't care what the hell yeah Pine Way that's right I'm pregnant and I have you in a headlock and if you try to fight back I will sue you unless you tell us how to get those sodas right now okay fine sweds has been desperately trying to get a local celebrity spokesman to endorse their new sports drak so if you can make that happen somehow they'll give you whatever you want damn Perkins April girl talk hey what's your middle name the justice of the peace lady needs to know you don't know each other there's middle names I want to say it out loud e shut up Roberta such a loser I believe I'm marrying him you don't have to I'm going to and then I'm going to divorce him and I'm going to marry him again is this true you only spent $40 on clothes in the past 5 years sounds about right how did you meet Tammy one technically I've known her since I was born she was a candy striper at the hospital she helped deliver me oh oh my God I grew up in a very small town 600 people everybody knew everybody else we first took up together when I was 15 awesome God it was a little scandalous but everyone feared her so they kept their mouths shut I don't even know her but she's my hero oh she's no hero April she's a hellacious nightmare she did however teach me everything I know Sunday school sex she was my math teacher in middle school and my babysitter and she taught driver Zed hello I don't believe we've met I am Leslie nope Deputy I don't think it would be necessary for you to speak again while I'm here why do I only date brunettes you know sometimes you eat chicken and you get food poisoning and then even the sight of chicken makes you sick Tammy W is my blonde chicken hey can you hear me oh Leslie you on the TV well you're on mine Brett we're having a video conference oh okay ponie has been hit with the Aven flu Ty no this is bad news I need everyone there at Animal Control to eradicate all the infected birds in town kill all birds this is for the drill right yes but I'm actually going to kill these Birds for real no no just pretend right so how I kill him like with a gun no I can fill up a bathro tub and just drown them one at a time okay let's forget we ever talked got it kill them who just put 100 of these in their body oh look at you you're looking pretty unhealthy today you might need one of these nutrium by swed if you can't beat them swed I love that song Oh I to go check my email we're going to sell these in the park now they're healthy holy God no they're not they're terrible for you no they're not there's a picture of Lance Armstrong on there yeah look at the ingredients high fructose corn cor syrup corn syrup there's only 8 G of fat yeah per serving a bar is four servings well people seem to enjoy them look how happy everybody [Applause] is yeah that's a a sugar rush yeah yeah that makes sense they're going to crash soon and it's not going to be pretty yeah I'm going to crash soon too cuz I've eaten like 40 of these oh God generally I like to stay out of other people's business but Pon is the fourth most obese city in America the kids here are beefy they're just husky Big Bone plus-sized chunk monsters I call them like I see them time to crack this Mar up at chard buddies get a chard on let's get me ched in here what the hell is going on oh yeah that's the new CH stand I suppose that's one way to sell vegetables we got Swiss CH we got white chard we got CH papers and for all you freaking vegans out there we got short shots yeah M chart is so bitter Ben do something what do you want me to do well you're the city manager kick them out they're violating every single one of the farmers markets rules of conduct by rules of conduct do you mean that wooden sign you made that says peas be kind to others yes and in case of fire Roma C and you won't Bay how nice all of our vendors are I don't like vegetables but I'm very good at vegetable puns okay I admit this is a little iffy a little iy I can't do anything to Li check the rules for City vendors cabbage coming get it Connie no put those [Applause] away how sweet is this table by the way huh got it from an actual Benny Hana cost me four grand worth every penny hey can I interest anyone in an authentic AJ Japanese aast scrambled eggs eaten with chopsticks okay of course the children the children are our future Whitney Houston knew it and so do you and so do I I'm going to need your help on something I think we should go to work but not now we're having dinner damn this pay is good would you put saffron in here makes the shellfish taste delicious yes yes it does you two more than deserve each other good luck the vote is tomorrow if I don't get jam out from Tammy's clutches I'm doomed it's like rescuing a bunny from a lion but that lion is a demonic sociopath with really nice cleavage 44 weeks of intensive courses and no taking um it's a dream come true and I have to warn you there'll be a confirmation hearing a confirmation hearing a freaking confirmation hearing excuse me a second what's that um to the best of my recollection yes I accept the job oh excuse me ma'am do you mind if I borrow your hat I just want to throw it up in the air victoriously ma'am this might not work let me find Jam see if he'll bargain M what country is he from Iceland two exes may they always stay that way Tammy is a mean person come on Ron you can do better than that she's a great a there we go every time she laughs an angel dies even telemarketers avoid her her birth was payback for the sins of man but you know the worst thing about her she works for the library she works for the library okay here's the situation your parents went away on a week's vacation they left the keys to the brand new Porsche but ain't mine h well of course not I'll just take it for a little Spin and maybe show it off to a couple of friends I'll just cruise around the neighborhood well maybe I shouldn't yeah of course I should pay attention here's the thick of the plot pulled up to the corner at the end of my block that's when I saw this beautiful girly girl walking I picked up my car phone to perpetrate like I was talking sun roof was open the music was high and that girl's hand was steadily moving up my thigh she had opened up the buttons on a shirt so far I guess that's why I didn't notice that police car I can't believe it I made a mistake but parents are the same no matter time nor place so to all your kids all across the land no need to argue parents just don't understand all right thank you thank you just a little something I know so what's up uh someone is on fire and Rams at Park they need you to get down there right away oh my God la