6 Love Experts Share Their Top Dating & Relationship Advice (Compilation Episode) – YouTube Dictation Transcript & Vocabulary

1.these are the nine things you need to know about love the number one Health and Wellness podcast J shett J shett the one the only J sh hey everyone thanks so much for tuning back into on purpose I appreciate it so much today we're diving into one of the most important topics in all of our Lives love and love isn't just about romantic relationships it's about understanding ourselves building meaningful connections and growing into the best versions of who we are so in this special compilation episode I've gathered wisdom from some of the best Minds out there to help you navigate love with more clarity confidence and purpose number one how do we know if someone is wasting our time whether it's a relationship that feels stagnant or a connection that just doesn't seem to be going anywhere we need to recognize the signs to break it down for us we have Stefan speaks relationship coach speaker and bestselling author he's helped Millions navigate love with honesty and self-awareness let's hear what he has to say so to me again I think it always starts with self and you have to be honest with yourself about why are you still here why are you holding on what's really driving you because just use an example let's say you're a woman and the only reason why you're holding on to this guy is because he's nice guy you don't feel like starting the process over with somebody else so even though you're not feeling it with him you figure let me try to make it work you're wasting your time th this is where you're setting yourself up for disaster every single time so if it's not born out of a true connection love a genuine desire you really like this individual of course there's always things we have to work through but is the foundation strong enough for us to say okay we can make something special here and I think once we are honest with ourselves that kind of helps answer the question because sometimes we get so caught up trying to analyze the other individual that it's like we get in our heads and now we're missing the mark on what's really important here and we can't always say for sure what's going on with them I will say that in general if this person isn't willing to talk about things they're wasting your time if they're not willing to address or correct things that have been talked about they're wasting your time if you guys aren't on the same page about what you want and where you want to go in life wasting time so there are some things I think we can just look at and say listen this is pointless here but a lot of times and I I have to say this especially for women women's intuition is extremely powerful I'm a huge believer in it and I feel like women know very early this isn't it but they rationalize reasons to convince themselves to give this man a chance and this again is a waste of time because it just doesn't work I've seen people people turn what should have been maybe a couple weeks of dating into years of being married to someone they were not happy with all because they did not listen to themselves from the beginning they knew what it was but they just could not accept it for what it was I mean I love that it's such an important reminder trust your intuition and be honest with yourself sometimes we overanalyze the other person instead of checking in with our own feelings now let's go even deeper number two how do we know if what we're feeling is true connection or just chemistry Stefan explains the difference are you even being yourself or can you be yourself with this individual if if you're presenting your representative then this is not a real connection this is them falling for that person that you're presenting but that's not real so to me you H you should be already being yourself but with that person you have a connection with it's a more natural flow we don't have to force it we just feel so much more comfortable around them I think in addition to that is when you when you find yourself all caught up in the moment and caught up in that chemistry again you have to ask yourself what am I really attaching myself to what what do I really like about this individual what I find is that when it's really about chemistry we're still on the surface you don't really know about them yet you just know you guys had a good time maybe maybe you had fun at this event you guys were able to talk about a lot of different things which is great which is going to also be important if there is a connection however do you even know what kind of relationship they want do you know what kind of Life they want to live you know are you guys really on the same page I think connection is our paths align our purposes align so for us to align we have to have a deeper understanding of where we're headed and can we head there together so that's why I think though you may feel it or you may feel like you're feeling it you have to do your due diligence to dig deeper to find out okay is this just I got caught up on the surface or there is something real here and I think once we ask enough questions because I think that's the other big problem we have this experience where we feel this chemistry we're so excited and now we're afraid to ask questions because we don't want to blow up the fantasy yes you see what I'm saying we're just like no no I want to keep believing this is great so let me not ask anything let me not run this person away let me not rock the boat but that's going to be what tells us if this is real or not I think for so many people you set unrealistic expectations in who you are yes and that's hard to come back from absolutely and and that's why it's so important for us to know who we are so that we can present the real from the jump you know because again A lot of times people you know this idea that we're always changing yes I do think we're always evolving but some of the big shifts that you see are is it's not because that's just the way life is it's because you didn't take the time to figure yourself out first and then you got with this person and now you want them to adjust now thank God for you she was able to adjust but there's a lot of people that they can't handle that yeah and now everything falls apart from there so that's why yeah we we have to be very careful with what we're presenting from the beginning that's pure gold chemistry can feel intense but it doesn't always mean long-term compatibility now let shift gears number three maybe you're single and wondering am I behind if you've ever felt that way this next guest is for you Lori got Le is a psychotherapist author of maybe you should talk to someone and a relationship expert who's here to remind us why being single at 28 or any age is not a bad thing you are exactly where you need to be if you are doing the work if you're not doing the work you're going to be behind and what I mean by doing the work is if you are not in a place where you want to be with a relationship you have to understand why so are you examining what has not worked yet why if I if I am single and I don't want to be single what can I be doing differently and so I think that's the important work so you're not behind at all in fact you're probably ahead of people who are in relationships who have not done the work and maybe aren't in the right relationship or are in a relationship that's not going to last or isn't going well why is it that we Str to actually do the work what does that look like I think it's so much easier when we talk to our friends and you know I've talked about the difference between idiot compassion and wise compassion before idiot compassion is you say to your friend look what happened on this date or look what happened with this person and they say yeah you're right they're wrong and we never learn or grow from that right because yes there might be something that the other person did but also what was your role in that interaction a relationship is all about relating so what was your role in the dance that you're doing with this person and what you get in therapy is you get wise compassion where we hold up a mirror to you and we help you to see something about you know what your role is maybe something you haven't been willing or able to see but that's so important so you don't repeat these situations where you're in this pattern and then you wonder why do I keep ending up with a person who doesn't listen to me or a person where I don't feel seen or where I can't be myself or where we have a lot of volatility or where this person's really avoidant why am I always with people who avoid or what makes me avoid and I don't talk to the person about what I want or what I need so that's the work that's really important so you're not behind if you're single at 28 it's part of the process if you're doing the work you're much closer than you've ever been to finding the person that you want to be with I love that perspective it's not about timelines it's about doing the work but why do we resist the work number four for why is self-awareness so hard Lor's got some powerful insights on how understanding our patterns can help us build better relationships we have this saying we marry our unfinished business we date our unfinished business too so if you let's say earlier in your life you were around someone who you know was neglectful somebody who drank too much somebody who lost their temper um somebody who wasn't honest somebody who wasn't reliable we think when we're as adults like I want the opposite of that I want someone where I feel safe secure there's trust but what happens is unconsciously again if we haven't done the work or unfinished business we actually are unconscious is oh you look familiar come closer so on the surface they don't look like that person but then when you get to know them you're a month in you're three months in you're six months in you think wow that person reminds me of someone this person feels so familiar and that's why I was drawn on to this person it turns out this person is very much like what I grew up with is very much like the person who hurt me growing up so if you do the work you're able to see oh that person I see why I'm drawn to them but I'm not drawn to them in a healthy way and then if you do even more work you're not even drawn to those people anymore now you're drawn to healthy people stable people flexible people emotionally generous people people whose values align with yours that's who you're drawn to so you you have to do the work is there a healthy way of future tripping with the person is there a collective collaborative future tripping like what what does that look like I think the future tripping is being in the present and what I mean is what's happening now is what it's going to look like in the future so instead of imagining oh this person will change in this way or this this we're going to have this kind of life but you don't know if the other person wants that kind of life if you're not talking about it now in the present you don't know how do how does this person treat me now what is it like when we're together the biggest indicator would be we had a disagreement how did we get through it that's what your future is going to look like we didn't agree on this we were frustrated with each other we had a difference of opinion how did we repair that rupture we talk a lot about rupture and repair everybody's going to have ruptures you have it with your family members with your friends with your co-workers with your parents with your children especially with your romantic partners because we have this misguiding notion that we shouldn't have a rupture with them because we're so in love and we see each other and we see eye to eye but of course you're going to have ruptures it's not so much whether you're going to have a rupture it's what do you do with it and what does it look like so if you have been dating for let's say six months and you haven't had a rupture you guys are not going deep enough you guys don't know each other well enough you're still on your best behavior you have to be able to be yourselves that's going to tell you what the future looks like so stop the pretending be yourself be see what you want your future to look like act like you want your future to look like see how the other person acts and see what happens between the two of you and a repair would look like something like oh I didn't you know we're having a disagreement right now why don't we take 15 minutes and let's come back when we're not so heated and let's talk about that or you know you made a mistake um you know what I've been thinking about this you know say you have an argument you say we're not going to talk for a few minutes let's go cool off whatever um you call them back and you say you know what I thought about it I was wrong and I'm so sorry here's what I did and I wish I had done it this way and that's great if your partner can do that or if you can do that right and then if your partner then can accept that without shaming you if your partner can say I really appreciate that and I wish that I had reacted differently in this way and how can I be more supportive in those moments that's beautiful that's your future but you have to see it in the present you can't imagine what the future's going to be you have to actually live it in the present and say oh now I know it's going to be just like it is right now now that's a wakeup call sometimes doing the work means facing things we'd rather avoid but that's the only way to grow number five what if we keep attracting the same type of relationships over and over Dr Joe dispenser neuroscientist researcher and and expert on rewiring the brain explains how we can break free from those cycles and attract relationships that truly align with us typically it usually takes a crisis or a disease or a diagnosis or trauma or a loss or betrayal uh for a person to really decide is this really who I want to continue to be so my message is why wait for that right so so there's nothing wrong with saying I want to be in a relationship I want the following things in a relationship uh from this person or what what might what might be my ideal relationship I think people have an image in their mind of what they like or what they're type is or whatever I don't think there's anything wrong with that but I think what people are really looking for is connection and and and and joy like people should be in a relationship the reason they should be in a relationship is to be overjoyed to be with the person that you're with right you want joy in your life for me it would make sense then if the person got very clear on what they wanted uh then they should start on the journey to become that very person they should really work on being that very person that they want so there would have to be some change that they would have to make in order to be worthy enough to create a person that they would attract in their life and we cannot attract anything in our life that we feel separate from trusting in a future that you can't see or experience you have to lay down the very thing you use your whole life to get what you want to trust that something greater could happen and that's not something that's very easy so I like the idea that it that it wouldn't happen uh in a in an um on a date that was from an app it could happen in a bank it could happen at a seminar it could happen in the grocery store you know in a way that you least expect right and I think that when we get to a point where we're so happy with ourselves we're no longer looking uh because we feel like we already have it I think that's the state where people attract an equal become the person you want to attract when we focus on our own growth the right relationships naturally follow number six What about manifesting love how do we stop chasing and start aligning Joe shares why joy and presence are the key to attracting the right partner we're conditioned in a way to like okay I need something out there I need the experience the proof I need the event to occur and the end product of that event or experience is called an emotion the emotion takes away the lack or separation from not having it so we waiting for the event to occur to take away the the feeling of separation or lack and actually that's not that's not the healthiest way to create and actually we should feel the emotion of the experience before it happens so that if you're feeling the emotion of that future before it happens truly feeling it you wouldn't be looking for it you would only be looking for it when you felt separate from it right so can you maintain that state because the only way you're going to believe in that future is you have to feel the emotion asso with it the moment you feel the lack and the separation you're going to believe in the past and there's a story that goes along with the past that has everything to do with the dating is hard or finding a person or whatever that is the story that we tell ourselves that we actually accept believe and surrender to as if it's the truth right so that's exactly what programs the subconscious mind in into a belief right so the default is so seamless to lose that Vision or that belief in the future the moment we start feeling the emotions of lack or survival in the past right that's the moment we can't see that future any longer because we would be looking at that future for the through the lens of the past and we would doubt that that future could actually exist that really resonated with me the idea that we're not searching we're aligning it's a whole new way to look at love number seven once we find someone we often overthink it is this the one is there someone better out there that's where Matthew Hy relationship coach and New York Times bestselling author comes in he's been coaching people for years on how to make love work without the Mind Games sometimes we're wanting something else because there's you know the person that's in front of us isn't compelling enough there really is something lacking in that relationship but I do think we have to ask ask ourselves what what are the things I really must have for an amazing relationship I'm not a you know there's the one out there kind of a person I've never been that way if you look anyone looks back through my videos and you know this because we' spoken about it back when I was single you know I've never been a person who believes in the idea of the one so I think that it's finding someone that we've you know we look at what's really important to us not was important on an egoic level cuz I think a lot of the things that make us question whether this person is right for us are ego- based I don't think they're based on how we feel around this person we worry is this the kind of person my friends think that I should be with do they look the part are they my T my normal type do they make the right amount of money yeah like is this does has this person come in the package that I had always told myself they would come in and those things can be really really limiting and they can have us like constantly trying to optimize for some version of something that we think we're supposed to be with which is a very dangerous way to go about finding love you you can't optimize for human beings you you you can optimize for a lot in life but you're dealing with people by the way even if you let go of this person you're going to find someone else who's also imperfect and they might okay this person is you know scores a seven in this area and they score a nine but guess what they score a three in this other area that you didn't even know was great in this relationship because you took for granted how amazing that person was in that way like it it it's it's very dangerous to optimize in that way in our love life and I I've come to really believe in life that if you find a connection that has all the right raw materials and you both have the same level of commitment then you can build something extraordinary together and actually the extraordinary is the thing you sculpt together it's no different from a career when we think of what's our like what are we worried about in our love life for so many of us is that we're going to settle yes I'm going to settle for the wrong person well I think we can actually start to reclaim the language of settling mhm and make it into a very positive thing that what if it wasn't settling for what if you decided to settle on because when you settle on someone there's a power to that it's like you resolve to say I'm going to settle on this I have to argue that the benefit I have gotten from the pain that I didn't choose has been no less valuable than the benefit I've gotten from the pain I did choose in fact actually I think the most valuable pain I've ever had is the pain I didn't choose and when you realize that you can kind of almost I think look at some of the worst moments of your life as like a menu of pain and beside the item on the menu is the very specific unique benefits that can only come from this kind of pain and you can kind of imagine yourself choosing like retroactively choosing that pain which is a very valuable thing to do because there I was told by a psychologist about an experiment on rats where uh one rat was on a wheel and was just given you know like the free reign to just run whenever it wanted to run there was another rat this was rat a rat B was connected to that wheel he was on another wheel that was connected to rat A's wheel and anytime rat a a chose to run rap B had to run right so both doing the same amount of exercising but at the end of the experiment rat a shows all the positive markers of exercise and rat B shows all the negative markers of stress oh wow same amount of exercise was the difference well rat a chose to run rat B didn't anyone who doesn't choose you cannot be for you they if they don't see you like what is a relationship it's someone sees you they accept you and they want that that's that's the most beautiful part of a relationship so if someone doesn't see you and accept you and want what they see then this relationship is missing the most beautiful part of any relationship it it shouldn't even be you know it shouldn't be desirable at that stage because it's not it has failed the fundamental test of what makes a relation ship worth having we're not talking about a person who you know in in at least the case I feel we're talking about the person who was taken from us by life we're talking about a person who's just walking around somewhere still existing on the planet but choosing not to be with us that should lose its romance to us you know and and to say well if that's the other game we play is if it was a different time in life if they were a bit older they would have been ready to commit if they had been in a different phase where they weren't so busy with their work they might have had the space to really give to this relationship but they said their work isn't allowing them to if it it's like we go through all these scenarios where it it forces us into this sad love song of right person wrong time and that's a really like pernicious story you that's a very dangerous story because it it takes what belongs in the realm of Science Fiction and brings it into our reality that's such a fresh take stop looking for perfect St building something real number eight sometimes love isn't about holding on it's about letting go and no one explains that better than James cordin comedian talk show host and actor he shares a powerful analogy about love and letting go that I know will stick with you as it has with me most of us are conditioned to believe when you find something good hold on to it forever make sure it last forever because you never know well then you're a kid with a balloon yeah right and you go and hold I'm never I'm never ever going to let this balloon go right and ignoring for this for a second the environmental impact of letting a balloon go let's talk about it just metaphorically you know that you go I'm this is my balloon I'm going hold this but I'm never ever ever ever ever going to let go of this balloon in fact I'm going to go I'm going to tie it to my wrist so it can't disappear cuz that happened to me once before and it you know what I mean I'm going to just you know that's it and then slowly that balloon will just Wilt and it will run out of the thing that made it great and it will just then be then it's tied to your wrist and you're dragging it behind you right and actually there something quite beautiful and again environmentally I'm not encouraging this we didn't we didn't know about this when we were kids when you let go of a balloon it's magical magical look and then you see it and you're like oh my God I used to have that I used to hold on to that and look at it now look it's just flowing that's amazing and then you go and now I haven't got a balloon and then you go well maybe I'll get another one yeah maybe there'll be another balloon and maybe it'll be a different shape or it'll be shinier or whatever it is like you've got to be able to let go of stuff to make new things come in you've got to have the space and the time yeah to encounter something new a friend of mine a year ago maybe less had his heart broken in in in the most brutal circumstances it was his first love first girlfriend and they broke up and he was just not in a good way and he this was his first real proper serious girlfriend certainly the first time he'd been in love before I just found myself saying to him I was like this is great this is great CU you really only understand what love is once your heart's been broken you understand how tender it is and I was like and you understand it now and what's you're looking at this all wrong you you get to do it again you get to do this again you're going to meet someone else and feel all these feelings and perhaps you'll go into that relationship ship learning what you've learned from this relationship and that will then feed that relationship in a different way and like and he he's just met someone right yeah and he's like oh my God this is amazing and I'm like yeah got that balloon again yeah yeah that's it that's it and so again I think it's expectation is the thing that that that makes us hold on to stuff yeah if you can just EB and flow with stuff you're going to find it so much easier to take The Good The Bad and The everything in between is just all being good for you this next conversation is really close to my heart because it's with someone who knows me better than anyone my wife RI she's not just my life partner she's an incredible nutritionist chef and advocate for conscious living over the years we've learned so much about love together what it means to grow as individuals while staying deeply connected as a couple number nine how to love fully without losing yourself in the process radii shares her wisdom on maintaining a strong sense of self while being in a loving supportive relationship people think that time is the investment like the amount of time you spend with someone is what the investment is this person is willing to spend 2 hours with me but this person is willing to spend 15 minutes with me that must mean the 2hour person values me more loves me more cares for me more but what is the quality of those 2 hours what is the quality of those 15 minutes makes such a difference and I think you know with I've just been so used to that concept that that's what I always you know related to this friend or this relationship this person wants to spend the most amount of time with me that must mean you know that person loves me more and so I think that's something I've really changed because you can feel so much more fueled from a 15-minute interaction with someone um and loved with presence than you can with you know two hours of someone's distract at time and I'm that's something I'm still working on as a person of being someone who's present I think it's something I've really you know I've been up and down with it there are different times where my mind can just you know go everywhere and do everything and not even be in the same room as everybody else that I'm in the room with but I think it's something that I I know it's some it's it's I want to be working on and something I want to be improving on I think a lot of people love people being dependent on them definitely because it gives them a sense of significance definitely especially if you don't know what you're doing in your life or if you feel like you're a bit lost helping other people and although that's a great thing when you help other people but the intention behind it and what you're receiving from it can make a huge difference in how you actually feel about it so like if you're helping someone through intention of genuinely caring for them genuinely helping them or are you helping them because it fuels you into feeling valuable and therefore like for me I remember it used to be just a way that I would throw myself into so I didn't have to think about what I was doing in my life or how to figure out my own things it was just oh this is great I I need to be doing this this person needs my help I need to like create this space for myself in their life because then I don't have to think about all the importance stuff I actually need to deal with so was the easier option and more of a selfish option but I think that's a value that I have changed I really hope that you got lots of value from that that's why we're doing these compilations I want to make things simple seamless and practical for you love isn't just about finding the right person it's about becoming the right person and through all these incredible conversations one thing is clear self-awareness growth and intention are at the heart of real love I really hope this episode gave you Clarity perspective and inspiration to approach love with more purpose if something resonated with you share it with a friend who needs to hear it and pass this on to someone else I'll see you next time on on purpose hey everyone if you love that conversation go and check out my episode with the world's leading therapist lorri gotle where she answers the biggest questions that people ask in therapy when it comes to love relationships heartbreak and dating if you're trying to figure out that space right now you won't want to miss this conversation if it's a romantic relationship hold hands it's really hard to argue it actually calms your nervous systems just hold hands as you're having the conversation it's so lovely