48 Minutes of Jimmy O. Yang | Guess How Much? – YouTube Dictation Transcript & Vocabulary

1.ever since i was 5 years old my mom had me believe that anything i do would make me sick you go outside without a jacket you get the flu you go to bed with the fan on pneumonia god forbid you fall asleep with wet hair you don't even wake up that's it you're dead that's it you're dead that's fearongering man i'm not scared of anything anymore i don't think i have any fear anymore i used to watch that show fear factor you guys remember that show yeah joe rogan hosted fear factor to make you face your fears like jump off a helicopter eat crazy [ __ ] like pig intestines and century egg i ate that [ __ ] for breakfast this is nothing to me fear is not a factor when i was like 10 years old little boy i was very scared because there was this one kid pretty sad story in my class he had childhood leukemia and then he lost all his hair to chemo and everything looking real frail and i was really scared i was like "oh my god is he going to be okay?" and my mom she's a great mother she saw how scared i was so she came up to console me she was like "jimmy jimmy you see this is what happens when you play too much video [Applause] games that's fear-mongering." okay i never played a game of fifa after that my mom was like the original fake news good to see everyone here man and i think collectively as people we all been through a lot in the last few years man you know and we made it out we made it out we're better for it you know i feel like i mentally aged like 20 years like the first day i walked outside for some reason i just walked out like an old chinese man i just came out my house like this [Applause] i was wearing flip flops and a puffer vest my outfit made no sense my feet were cold chest sweat my posture looked like [ __ ] but i was still judging everyone i just like i'm an old man now i don't even like going outside anymore all my friends they back to normal right they're like "oh jimmy you want to go to coachilla?" i'm like "nah no seats." that doesn't look fun to me 6 hours standing in the desert [ __ ] that you see all these kids like with their instagram post you know it's always like people just like jumping around dancing and then all these buff dudes got like girls on their shoulder i'm like "dude you're not even going to concert you're doing crossfit how's that fun the only concert i've been to this year i took my girlfriend to a don mlan concert yeah you guys know who that is yeah couple people thank you thank you don mlan for you guys that don't know sang the song bye-bye miss american pie yeah he's old as [ __ ] dude he's 77 years old and so was his audience it was my favorite concert i've ever been to on a ticket it says the show started at 8 start at 7:59 he didn't had an opener you know he just came on stage with a guitar and started singing it was awesome nobody stood up to like obstruct my view because frankly everyone had a bad hip it's great still got home in time to watch the 10:00 evening news that's my kind of evening you know what i mean i don't like going outside anymore too many crazy people too many weirdos one time i went to this dive bar in a military town san diego big military town i love my military okay but i think sometimes yeah yeah but i think sometimes military people get a little too passionate you know thank you thank you exactly my point right there thank you i love military but they're just too passionate like i was at a dive bar this one military brother came up to me who was just like "hey man i want to buy you a drink i'm like "no no thank you i can i can buy my own drink thank you." he's like "no i want to buy your drink." so at this point i thought either he wanted to take a selfie or he wanted to [ __ ] me so i'm like "no sir i think i can buy my own drink." and then he started telling me his whole life story he's like "you don't understand i want to buy you a drink because i was stationed in okinawa 4 years and you guys have been nothing but nice to [Applause] me i'm like "you guys you guys okinawa is in japan i'm chinese sir." and he's like "it doesn't matter man it doesn't even matter." i'm like "sir i think it does matter right i'm pretty sure the only reason you was stationed in japan was to keep an eye out on chinese people like me it does matter." he was like "it doesn't even matter man i still love patai." okay maybe that guy run into bts on his next tour who knows my point of saying all of this is asian people we don't all look alike we don't all sound alike you know we don't even we don't do anything alike we're just people you know right like everybody's different thank you white lady thank you thank you one white lady appreciate it thank you she teaches magna school down the street a lot of asian students so tonight i want to offer you guys an advanced lesson on how to tell asian people apart okay yeah that's right i'm so good at telling asian people apart i don't even need to look at you i can tell you what kind of asian somebody is by the sound they make when they disappointed cuz disappointment is our strongest emotion whenever we get disappointed our ancestor just comes out and you can't hide that you know like for example i'm chinese i know chinese people very well okay when chinese people get disappointed we're just disgusted we don't want to look at you when you disappoint a chinese person they just like like they just walked into a smoky room and they got to clear it just like see that's chinese people japanese people when japanese people get disappointed they just want to know why they ask you a question when a japanese person get disappointed they just like hey and that's it you ain't going to disappoint a korean person i wouldn't recommend that this korean brother might [ __ ] you up okay korean people are intense they ready to fight but they're my favorite type of people because they're very emotionally honest a korean person will let you know when they disappointed they're real guttural with it you know what i mean when you disappoint a korean person they're like but they're still very asian so they're still real polite they'll thank you with that they're like "oh i don't even speak korean but i watch squid games right love that show." see that's great representation number one tv show in the world man and they just spoke their native tongue that's representation right there man i'm proud of it i'm proud of it that's right that's right but i'm most proud of the fact that i finally have an easy halloween costume some of you guys don't understand a struggle for an asian guy when it comes to halloween our outfits are limited i was bruce lee for 6 years but this last year i had the best halloween costume all i did i went to amazon got like a matching like tracksuit put three numbers on my chest and i found myself an indian friend it was [Applause] like it was such a great squid game costume somebody came up to me he's like "oh my god you look just like the girl in squid games." i was like "oh shiva proud of all the representation out there man that's right have you guys seen the show silicon valley oh thank you thank you thank you that was my first big break man i was so grateful to be a part of that show but that was a few years ago and i always felt like i was the only asian person representing right i felt so much weight on my shoulder like every year we got very lucky we get nominated for an emmy so we get to go to a great ceremony but every year we knew we're going to lose because all the good shows have front row seats you know vep game of thrones are all here we're way the [ __ ] in the back by the exit sign but it's okay win or lose i was there to represent i made sure i made my round say hi to everyone so they know there's asian presence you know that's right so one year one year after we lost everybody left i walked down the front row to say hi to some of my favorite actors and i saw some of i'm like "oh my god that's that's amelia clark that's khesi that's jon snow over there." you know and then there's rachel brashnahan do you guys know who she is i love her she plays the marvelous miss masel great show right it's an awesome show and i did a movie with her a few years ago so i decided to say hi i was like "oh my god rachel it's so great to see you congratulations on everything." and she was like "oh okay." i'm like "okay." she probably just forgot who i was i'm like "look we did a movie like 6 years ago called patriots day you were awesome in that movie i just want to congratulate you on everything you've done so far." and she was like "oh yeah sure." and i'm like "oh really is the marvelous miss masel a bitch?" but i wasn't going to act out of pocket i was there to represent so i was very nice i was just like "oh it's okay he just don't remember." um anyways i just want to congratulate you for all the nominations are marvelous miss masel you're awesome and she was like "oh i'm not rachel brashahan i'm evan rachel wood from westworld." and i was like "holy [ __ ] i'm the racist person here i think all white people look alike everybody in the front row was judging me jon stone was staring me down i'm like "you're a bastard you can't even stare." and i didn't know what to do right i was profusely sweating my face was flush red so i was just like "oh my god i am so sorry." but either way it's so nice to meet you my name is aquafina and then i just that's right that's why it's good to have other representation out there asian people we don't all look alike until we need to i got a girlfriend now thank you i love her very much man she's an amazing person she's very successful my girlfriend's a venture capitalist yeah [ __ ] jackpot right you know it's great it's great uh for you guys that don't know what a venture capital means uh it means that i'm the poorest person she knows and what that really means is i'm her sugar baby so it's great that's right that's right gender equality that's what i'm talking about it's time for men to get taken care of that's right see that brother high-fiving his girl appreciate you man fellow sugar baby come on that's right that's right i love her man i'm trying to i'm trying to be a better boyfriend i'm new to this like boyfriend stuff right i used to take everything so personally like every time we get into a fight i'm like "babe why you why you mad at me i'm the perfect boyfriend." wrong answer fellas fellas if your girl's mad at you you can't take that [ __ ] personally because it's not even about you she doesn't even know what she's mad about you just happen to be there you know what i mean you're a victim of circumstance man so it's not your job to engage in an argument it's your job to diffuse the situation you got to jiu-jitsu that [ __ ] until you get to the bottom of the real prom like the other week she was mad at me about something she was like "babe i feel like we don't even like go on date nights anymore." i'm like "okay i hear you but what's really going [Applause] on?" and she's like "well sometimes i feel like you like hanging out your buddies more than you like hanging out with me." and i'm like "okay i hear you but what's really going on?" and then she takes a deep breath and she was like "remember last week of my birthday heather brought a cousin and she didn't know my name." i was like "see that's your problem right there ain't got nothing to do with me." heather cousin's a [ __ ] you know [ __ ] her man let's focus our energy on her trying to be a better communicator man my girl always wants me to talk about my feelings she's like "babe i wish you'd talk about your feelings more." i'm like "i feel fine." what more do you want me to say i don't know i'm not that emotionally involved i don't know what else i'm fine but don't keep asking me that cuz the fifth time you ask me that i might not be fine the fifth time you ask me that [ __ ] some dark [ __ ] is going to come out it's like "babe how are you feeling?" i don't know why i'm angry all the time because my dad yelled at me after ping pong practice see guys and girls were just different man girls are so emotionally evolved you know we even hang out different one night i came home early my girl was having a girls night at the house i've never seen anything like that the tv was off seven girls sitting in a circle making direct eye contact with each other every candle in the house was lit and i walked by i'm like "what is this witchcraft?" and i just backed into my own room fellas we hang out different guys when we hang out we sit in a straight line tv on full blast zero eye contact with each other my girl came home early she was so confused she's like "babe you guys didn't talk for like 6 hours." i'm like "yeah isn't that [ __ ] [Applause] awesome that's us that's guys." but in a relationship it's important to speak the same language my girl asked me she was like "babe what's your love language?" i'm like "what?" she's like you know your love language like how do you convey love to your partners and loved ones like for example a love language could be words of affirmation like words of affirmation i was raised by asian parents i've never heard one word of affirmation in my life nobody ever told me "jimmy you're so great you can do it." they're like "don't [ __ ] it up their love language is verbal abuse i'm trying to figure out what my love language is physical touch right it's another love language nobody touched me until i was 22 i'm not familiar with that what are some other love languages i like i like every woman just screaming out at their fun act of service gift [Applause] giving i think gift giving is a good one okay i love giving gifts to my girl she loves giving gifts to me we love that right like for example i love buying my girl shoes she loves shoes and we wear the same shoe size the perfect gift for the whole family you know what i mean these are her shoes tonight you know fits me perfect that's right and in return i let her wear all of my jordans yeah guys you guys know that's love cuz jordans to guys that's our most prized possession if we let you slip into our jordans that's like you letting us slip in to you you know same thing but sometimes sometimes i get a little nervous because her feet's a little dirty okay and she's a white girl so her feet extra dirty like you know what i mean like i don't know white people i don't know what the [ __ ] you guys do with your feet all day you guys just barefoot all the time frolicking around like jenny from forest gump you know white people you guys got some strong ass feet man just 120° outside hot cement just like y'all got some hunter gatherer feet see every culture we got different feet etiquette all right white people want to get in touch with mother earth that's great black people on the other hand i live with a black roommate for six years never saw his toes once he came out the shower with socks on man i'm like "what the you got a sock drawer on there brother?" asian people you guys know the rule when you come into the house you take your shoes off right you're like "we all know that." yeah yeah but our but our feet actually never touch the floor cuz when you take a shoes off at the house we got two pair of house shoes ready for you and then when you walk outside we got two pair of crocs ready for you and then when you come back in the bedroom we got two other pair of slippers that we stole from a hotel in vegas we ready our feet never touch the floor we got baby soft feet i think asian people our most natural love language is acts of service right that's what our parents did to us they might never say i love you but they did a lot of nice things for us every every night i don't care how busy my parents were they'll come home and make a five course meal that's love right there right yeah give it up for yeah give it up that's right in our culture food is love i love cooking for my girl we love cooking together food is love that's why i hate watching all these reality cooking shows where they make food so freaking stressful like all these guys with aggressive tattoos and they just sweating it in the kitchen they're like "yes chef yes chef 2 minutes 2 minutes is still raw it's still raw." and they just making [ __ ] scallops there's two items on the menu and they can't handle that [ __ ] you go to any chinese restaurant there's about 485 items on the menu and there's one dude back there in the kitchen he's not a chef he's somebody's uncle from hong kong [Applause] and he knows how to make everything in under 30 seconds that guy's the real hero you know what i mean in a relationship i think it's important to know how you convey love but it's just as important to know how you receive love you got to be vulnerable and let your partner do nice things for you see i'm not very good at that i i'm terrible at like directly asking for things that i want so instead i just drop little hints that's called being passive aggressive don't do that don't do that like for example i love watching these youtube videos of japanese housewives making bento boxes it's very nice very cute it's like a little asmr you know and it's just really nice this japanese woman wakes up at 6:00 a.m every day to make her working husband a bento box but i can't ask my venture capitalist girlfriend to make me a bento box i'm not an idiot i'm a sugar baby i know my role so instead of asking it directly i just drop little hints like we'll be sitting on the couch together i just pull out my phone and pretend i accidentally stumbled onto this video i'm like "oh what is this bento boxes oh my god it's so cute what is that like a rice ball shaped like a panda look look look look." wow oh so she makes this every day for him wow she must love him so much i thought i was being slick until she came out to one of my shows and she heard this joke and she was really upset man and rightfully so i was just up here talking [ __ ] right we went home we got into a big fight she was like "babe that's [ __ ] okay if you want me to do something why don't you just ask me directly and if you really want somebody to make you bento boxes why don't you just go find a japanese woman i'm like babe i'm i'm i'm sorry you feel that way uh okay but i think you're missing the point you don't have to be japanese to make bento boxing that's right that's right so now i'm making her bento boxes every day it's how i show my love you got to love the people around you you got to be nice to the people around you your partner your family your friends you got to keep your day ones around man you know everybody when i was coming up in the game they gave me this advice they're like "hey jimmy you want to be successful hang out with successful people because birds of a feather flock together that's right man that's right you guys heard this before right it's [ __ ] [ __ ] okay successful people are so boring i hung out with successful people they got successful job they got successful family they don't have time to hang out your mediocre ass so my real advice to everyone is to find yourself more loser friends that's right that's right that's right i see some of you guys clapping the ones that are not you're probably the loser friend which is fine i love you i love you i love all my friends man oh my day once i used to live in a one-bedroom apartment with three comedians yeah ain't nothing wrong with that i was proud of that it was all good they still my close friends one of my best friends his name is guam guam felix yeah he's a comedian uh he's named after the island he was born on guam like you know you kind of hood when you name after the island you were born on like if i came out tonight and they introduced me as hong kong jimmy i'll probably be selling drugs outside you know what i mean but guam's one of my greatest friends man he's just a good dude he's just a happy go-around guy you know he trashed in my living room for months and i asked him like "hey guam you got any plans you going to go get a job or something?" he was like "nah dog i want to get on that government disability homie." and i'm like "okay are you disabled?" he was like "yeah i think so dog i threw on my back when i was 19 homie." i'm like "okay you 42 right now i don't think that's going to work out for you." see guam is great he lives by the creed where anything good that happens to him he makes sure to thank god right that's great and anything bad that happens to him he makes sure to blame the government it's a great way to live that when you take zero personal responsibility like he'll say [ __ ] like "oh damn they gave me a speeding ticket and took away my license dog." you see that's how the government [ __ ] you i'm like "no i'm pretty sure that's how you [ __ ] yourself." and then on the positive side he'll say things like "i just want to thank god cuz he let me stay with you dog." i'm like "no you should thank me [ __ ] i let you stay with [Music] me but i love guam man he's just a happy golucky guy doesn't have a lot of ambition in life his dream in life is to win the lottery his catchphrase is when i win the lottery d but he doesn't have good goals for when he does win the lottery cuz he'll say [ __ ] like when i win the lottery we going to the buffet dog i'm like boy we do that right now bro but guan was a man of his word not only would he buy lottery tickets he stood in line in every single game show in la to try to win his lottery and he finally got on this game show called let's make a deal have you guys seen that yes the show that comes on hosted by wayne brady before the price is right but in order to get on that show you have to wear a costume and guam is like a big pacific islander brother so his costume options were limited he could either be moana or the rock you know so he decided to make his own costume he cut up a blue bed sheet draped it over his body and then he got a chinese rice patty hat and he just wore it i'm like "what the [ __ ] what already dressed up as ho chi min or some [ __ ] he was like "no dog i master raiden for mortal kombat homie this is a true story he went on national tv dressed up as master raiden." and this is actually an inspirational story he actually won yeah he won the big deal of the day it was a $5,000 living room set which was perfect for my living room but he dreamed big he wanted to win his big prize so he traded it in for the super deal of the week i'm like this [ __ ] idiot he traded it in for one out of three chance to win $50,000 cash one of the biggest prizes on a show ever and he won that was his lottery his dream came true i was watching tv it was the most magical moment money start falling down on his rice patty hat and he was so happy he started doing jumping jacks and [ __ ] and start swimming in the pool of money and i was watching i'm like i knew this [ __ ] is not disabled look at him he's very capable they start crying on national tv he was so happy and wayne brady was like guam congratulations what are you going to do with that $50,000 and he was like we go to the buffet dog right that's a good friend man that's why you keep your friends around he went from the biggest loser i knew to the biggest winner i knew took care of all his boys took us to a lot of buffets he even took us to the fanciest restaurant he knew bua de beepo it was awesome he was polling but that money didn't last long that 50 grand lasted about 3 months and not only that he didn't pay any taxes on it so now he owes the irs another 20 on top of that [ __ ] i'm like "wam this is horrible you're worse off than you ever were." and all he said to me was like "see that's how the government [ __ ] you dog that's right keep your close friends around and save you money people that's why i only like watching real people game shows i hate watching celebrity family feud cuz they always make the celebrity choose a charity and donate money i'm like some of us want to keep our money man hey look i know i sound like a bad person okay but i love helping people i love the concept of donating money i just can't do it i want to but my mom wouldn't let me every time i even just think about donating money she comes out of nowhere she's like "who who are you donating to?" i'm like "mom i don't know like save the children foundation." she's like "you don't even know those children children can be horrible okay fine mom i'll donate to help the hospitals like feed a hospital.com to help out all the nurses and doctors and she was say "okay jimmy okay the doctors make more money than you they should donate to you okay i make a website feed a comedian.com right now." she just guilt trips me you know you donate to anyone you donate to me i give a burst to you okay can you imagine i'm on family feud steve's like "jimmy what charity are you playing for?" feed comedian.com um all proceeds go to my mom my mom's so tight with my money she wouldn't even let me buy her something nice for last birthday i bought her a nice ipad brand new ipad i thought i was a good asian son right and my mom's like "oh no it's too expensive." i'm like "mom it's okay we can afford it just just enjoy the ipad." she was like "no jimmy please return it return it and just give me the cash we're practical it's about the bottom line see we live in a very frivolous society man everybody loves to brag about how much [ __ ] they have how much money they make we all brag we're all guilty of this we all just do it in subtle different ways like white people for example white people never brag about how much money they got they always just brag about how expensive their life is like oh joey just started private school it's so expensive and our remodel is totally going over budget oh and you wouldn't believe how much money we spent going to fiji i'm like "okay katie i see your life." okay it's a luxurious good for you okay black people on the other hand a lot more straightforward black people just tell you exactly how much money they spent on something it's great you guys seen it like my black friends or even like rappers right they love to brag they're like "this car 80,000 my mama's house 500,000 this chain a million dollars." man i'm like "okay you clearly don't have your priorities straight." but i appreciate the honesty people love to brag about how much money they spend asian people on the other hand we do the exact opposite we love to brag about how little money we spent on some [ __ ] because the art is in the savings you never pay full price like my mom her catchphrase is guess how much guess how much yeah that's our people you guys ever play guess how much my mom would come home with something new like a watch she'll be like "jimmy jimmy guess how much guess how much i'm like "mom i don't know it's a very nice watch like $5,000." and she was like "no." it's $200 jimmy my house my house this house guess how much guess how much i'm like "mom i don't know you live in a very nice house like a million dollars." she was like "no it's half off someone died in it and if you know the rules of the game you always guess high so you make the other person feel good about their purchases never guess too low if you ever guess too low that's the ultimate insult to an asian person okay one time my mom came home with some new shoes i guess too low i've never seen her so disappointed in me she's like "jimmy jimmy guess how much guess how much." i'm like "mom i don't know very nice shoes like $200 she was like "do you even know about shoes these are $500 jimmy shoes." okay better jimmy than you that's how we prank people you got to love it man i used to be embarrassed about all these things i thought my mom was cheap she spoke with an accent she made me chinese food but when i got older i realized it's all those things that made me different is what makes me interesting now the tide has turned man everybody want to be more asian i'm telling you yeah that's right everybody want to be bts everybody want to eat shaolong pa and every parent i know is trying to send their kid to chinese immersion school just in case we take over this [ __ ] you know what i mean got to be proud man you got to be proud of how you grew up got to be proud of your parents right i'm a good asian kid i'm great to my parents i'll never ever disrespect them in front of them you know what i mean like i'm so proud of my asian people there's so much excellence out there going on a lot of people representing it's never been a better time to be asian i say this every year i know but truly this is our time i mean come on we got bts now come on that's us that's our people they doing it i'm so proud of man biggest band in the world probably ever since the backstreet boys and they don't even have to speak english i love my bts man even white people know bts now that's progress that's progress i had a 15-y old white kid come up to me trying to explain to me the different members of bts he was like "oh this is jung cook he's kind of like the lead singer and that's jim he's really cool and he also raps." i'm like "dude they look the same to me." i didn't want to say it i couldn't say it as an asian person but they all just look like me with pink hair i can turn the whole show to a bts concert right now all right yeah this is this is jimmy this is jim right here you don't know you don't know you don't know you don't know smooth like butter no i'm not i'm i'm not going to do that i'm not good at that i'm not good at that i love my people man i love bts you guys probably heard in the news they got to go to mandatory korean army right the most popular people in the world they got to go sign up for korean military that's some gangster [ __ ] imagine how scared you'll be when you encounter bts on the battlefield you're in battle you're already kind of shook you're in a field of grass and a little puff of pink hair just pops up you're like "yo what the [ __ ] was that is that a unicorn?" and then six more pink hair pop up you're like "we're surrounded." and the last thing you see is just this i see some of you guys still wearing your mask i still wear my mask no shame in that right it's all good it's all good i wear my mask not because i think i'm going to get sick but because i just don't want to talk to anybody anymore but i'm still surprised when people come up to me they're like "oh my god jimmy." i'm like "how did you know how did you know how many other asian guys did you go up to before it happened to be me you don't know you don't know underneath this mask i could be aquafina you don't know look i'm not saying that all asian people look alike okay i'm just saying that me and aquafina look alike and we both look like we should be in bts love all the representation out there man but it's not just celebrities i'm very proud of the everyday people out there representing that's the important part you know what i mean no no no i'm very happy for this one particular person i'm really happy for that old chinese lady in chinatown who's been wearing a mask since 1995 her life just suddenly made sense before the mass mandate everybody looked at her like "why is she wearing a mask that's so random." she's not random she's a [ __ ] trailblazer okay she started wearing a mask now everybody has to wear a mask she's like the kendall jenner of chinatown she must have been so happy when this mask mandate happened just laughing at everyone it's like "look at you idiots i told you to put on a mask." now the cdc follows me she was prepared she didn't just have a mask she had gloves on from when she's driving she had the full face shield that comes down looking like da punk asian people we're ready for this [ __ ] social distancing we've been doing that for centuries we don't like all that hugging and touching and all that you know when we see each other just a nice bow that is that is socially dist if you're really asian you ever see two really asian people it turns into a bowing contest to see who's more respectful to see who can bow lower and more away from each other until you just fold it in half and you go home that's social distancing people a lot of people in this country americans you know like we're not ready for this all the rules we're rebels man we don't like following rules people are like freaking out they're like mess mandate no i'm like "dude it's just a mask just put on a mask." they're like "it's not just a mask it's the government." yeah it's the government fear-mongering i'm like "what is that?" they're like "yeah it's fear-mongering they want you to be scared of everything so you're obedient and you're scared and you follow the rules." i'm like "oh that's called fear-mongering." then my mom must have invented fearmongering i didn't even know that's what it's called i want to give you guys a quick update on my dad yeah richard oang yeah the superstar of the family yeah i talked about in my last special he became an actor right yeah yeah not because he loves the art it's because it's so easy you can do it i but now he's doing great he's very successful okay he got his whole life turned around he got out of retirement is a full-time actor now and now he wants to be an influencer he just started his own ig account which is just a nightmare cuz old people i feel like they mean well okay like my dad he means well but he just doesn't know how it works like his first post on instagram is a very nice post a beautiful picture of the sky palm trees birds flying by i'm like "oh this is nice." and i scrolled down to the caption and he wrote all lives matter i'm like that what the [ __ ] man like you don't even know what that means why would you write that it was like i know my life of matter your life matter the person's life of matter okay or life of matter i'm like that is not what it means i made him put his account on private okay just like a good tiger parent would cuz we know the rules like young people we see through the scams of instagram right like for example i follow a sports center i understand the first hund comments are all bots they're all fake right because it's always some ig booty model saying some stupid [ __ ] like "uh i want something long and hard." and this is obviously a scam so one time i clicked on it just to see what's going on you know what i mean research i just want to see i just want to get to the bottom of it so i clicked on it i was like "oh this is obviously a scam it's this girl she's following 7,000 people but she only has one follower." and i clicked on one follow my dad he's like "my life will matter her life matters too." okay my dad just from a different generation he has like a weird beauty standard like for us we just say things on very surface level just like "oh this person's attractive this person's not." right my dad would get into the weeds my dad will give you all the weird details he'll be like "oh she's beautiful very long arms i'm like "what are you recruiting for a linebacker what are you talking about?" i can never get a pulse on who he thinks is attractive or not right one time i'm like "dad oh she's really good-looking." and my dad was like "no her mouth's too close to her nose she can't breathe she can't breathe." i see some of you guys looking your partner like "is my nose too close?" and that's exactly what an asian parent does to you you know make you self-conscious about [ __ ] you didn't know about i was very nervous to introduce my girlfriend to my dad cuz she's absolutely beautiful but who knows if her wingspan is long enough for his life i was so nervous man the first time i brought my girlfriend to my dad's house and to his credit i want to give him credit he actually didn't say anything crazy because for some reason when an old chinese person sees white people they just started acting right like his posture changed and stood upright and for some reason he just came up with a british accent like me and my girlfriend walked in the house he didn't say anything crazy he just looked at us he was like "oh prosperous young couple and my girlfriend was so confused it's like "why does your dad sound like helen mirren?" and i started saying all these nice things about my girl i'm like "oh dad you know yeah she's she's very successful but she's also very nice and her family they're just great people." and my dad's like "good all lives matter [Applause] i love my dad man i love my dad he's a great dad he's a funny guy you know and we did a lot of father and son bonding growing up like for example i'm a big basketball fan i love watching the nba yeah yeah actually i grew up a los angeles clippers fan yeah because my dad was cheap okay because my dad because the lakers and the clippers playing in the same stadium but the clippers tickets were half price so my dad's like "never pay full price." never that weren't even the most embarrassing part the most embarrassing part was when we exited the stadium when we exited staple center there'll be hot dog street vendors out there right latino brothers selling bacon wrap hot dogs for $5 i love those things and my dad would go up and haggle with them he'll go and be like "okay i give you $5 for two hot dogs." i'm like "dad it's not buy one get one free at costco just give him 10 bucks." and he was like "shh never pay full price." okay i'll give you $8 for two hot dogs final offer and the guy didn't care he's like "no it's $10." and then my dad this is his strategy he just announces in front of everyone make sure everyone hears him he's like "okay." we walk away i'm like "dad i don't care i don't think he cares if you walk away don't walk away i'm hungry." he's like "jimmy it's better to be hungry than to pay full price." and then my mom comes up behind us with four hot dogs and she was like "guess how much." thank you guys [Applause]