Max and Caroline Becoming Besties in Season 3 | 2 Broke Girls – YouTube Dictation Transcript & Vocabulary

1.i can't believe we got hired so quickly and I can't believe I'm a medium apron and I can't believe I'm working for a corporate coffee place this might be the lowest point of my life and my mom once lost me in a craps game behind a casino hi we're here to be trained i know that's unfortunate my name's Devon well that's unfortunate let's get this over with i have a lot of other places I need to be like your mom's basement hey you don't have to give me attitude i don't have to but it's my pleasure sorry Devon it's just that it's hard for her cuz your name is Devon so what are you girls writers folk duo just nailed it loser peace yourself we need this job for another hour and 50 minutes okay but for real how long do you got to work here before the health insurance kicks in and is there dental cuz I got a dead tooth doing nothing for me insurance kicks in after 30 days but it's a PO not an HMO oh we just got an HMO at our other job he's a Charlotte okay here we go look this is the machine we use for everything it's incredibly easy to work unless you're stupid in which case tell me now devon we're not your mean stepdad just show us how to use the machine listen up unlatch the PA filter from the group head press here for an ounce of grounds tamp it in pack it down turn it on i didn't get that that did you honestly all I heard was group head so you tamp pack turn the knob wait three blast for 30 then you pour the shot place a steam wand halfway in the pitcher at a 45°ree angle until the milk is 103° so what you're saying is it's easier to make mess syrups powders whipped cream is right here you ever work with one of these i think I can handle it i went to Wharton well I went to Harvard and I went to Juvie and we're all here wearing an apron [Music] a Grande double cap nonfat grande double cap non fat meow meow meow meow a venty triple cap no whip venti triple cap no whip meow meow me now grande double soy latte grande double soy latte got it Max nope where's those drinks Max working on it getting close and I finished all over myself that's so me come on Max it can't be that hard you two switch i got to put out more napkins that women's breakup support group is here and they tap us out think they're crying now just wait till we run out of cake pops i'll have a tall cap triple shot half small scrap nibble slap half that's not what I said tall cap triple shot half girl you're good at this you should work at Starbucks i am good i think I'm getting the hang of this now i just have to Oh holy mother ouch this thing hates women so much we should call it Texas or Ohio or to be honest most of America i'll have a tall drip extra hot uh what's your name greg with three G's yeah you're going to be this picture of a penis that's rude now it has a hat on it it's saying good day do you want me to talk to your manager yeah in about 20 minutes after she learns this machine hi I'll take a non-fat venty drip for Vera and a tall latte for Fran and a gingerbread latte with 11 Splendas can you two explain what this is i'd say it's pretty obvious that's a penis wearing a hat why because it's bald and a little insecure dudes you're like fired come on Devon we just need 20 more minutes to learn that machine please no return your aprons and caps and do not even think about putting sandwiches in your pockets what a girl can't get a morning bun no and no and take this crappuccino you made with you oh yeah that is not quite right and it hit my dead tooth max Google alert oprah's topless let them go it's never going to happen not with that attitude no the autopsy says rolling glass choked on a Max's homemade cupcake this is a disaster hey where's your enthusiasm now Miss Rachel Ray this place is the balls and it is just a matter of time till those sicko hipsters are lining up for those cupcakes that killed that dude open the window we're back baby but we can't count on a guy dying every week i mean I have a positive attitude but that's too polyiana we don't have to that's what's so great about this window who knows what'll happen right and we won't have to chase business down because we'll be right here on the street waiting for it to come to us max I feel so good about the possibilities one night it could be a black American Express card and then is it Other nights it's a friendly little visit from our homeless guy [Music] what's sadder than former billionaire Caroline Channing asking for money for pants oh they're not going to know it's me are you being funded by al-Qaeda if they're buying I'm taking and action hi I can't tell you my name and I can't show you my face because I'm too ashamed sadly I find myself in a situation where I am no longer able to provide myself with the garments I need in order to be the best in my day-to-day life i'm aware that this is not a problem for everybody i need to take a picture of myself having the most fun I've ever had your nose is coming out of your eyehole [Laughter] no no no no max don't stop i'm in a groove no you're in a bag please let me take a picture of you in a bag and then turn it into a dog and then call it a doggy bag go Max i'm running out of oxygen and I think there was cheese in here and action if I achieve my goal specifically a new pair of quality pants Then I promise I will give back to the community wearing said pants all I need is $1,500 stop whoa $1,500 how many pounds of clothes are you getting look it's for one pair of amazing Dre Van Notton silk brocade pants super cute and yes it's a lot but my investors will get something in return for $5 they will get the feeling of goodwill in their heart for $10 I'll send them a selfie in the new pants that they bought for $20 I'll send them a selfie without pants nobody is going to give you money for the stuff you offered goodwill in their hearts this is the internet we're animals you're right i have an idea camera up and action i'm sure a lot of you are probably thinking "Look at this spoiled indulgent clueless girl." Well I am and you're also probably thinking "God I want to slap her." Well guess what you can for $500 you can come here and slap my spoiled clueless face and cut pretty good huh genius now here take the camera i want to film my video to raise $500 to slap you why are you so upset i say worse things to you all the time yesterday I said you were sad and pathetic but that was to my face i can't believe you talk about me behind my back it's bad i am sorry what can I do hit me punch me tell my mother where I live congratulations Max now you're like all my old girlfriends talking behind my back stop looking at that delete it this is not what I think i'm not sick of you really cuz when I see it in writing it feels like you are it's not me it's this phone it brought out the ugliness that was kind of already there there i killed it because it hurt you i swear I didn't mean it you have to believe me it's fine Max feel like I'm going to throw up i French fried my phone what else can I do i mean really it is techny's fault it's turning us against each other caroline I swear I will never accidentally say anything about you again that I never meant i have to get ready for work it's fine stop saying that please stop saying it's fine fine doesn't mean fine the scale goes great good okay not okay i hate you fine if fine meant fine that'd be great but it doesn't okay you're right it's not fine it sucks i'm hurt you're the one person I care most about you are the one person I care the most about well right now it doesn't feel that way it has to feel that way you are my best friend Caroline i love you oh my god now I'm really going to throw up max is that the first time you said I love you don't look at me i'm embarrassed now what do we do so you're not sick of me you are the only person in the entire world I am not sick of caroline there's a woman here who said she paid to slap you if I had known it was an option I would have thrown my name into that head kitty you're going to love this lady she smokes drinks does prescription drugs which we all know means oxy hi oh my god there she is she's perfect come in welcome home you see Max it's great what the hell is going on in here look at all these cats crammed in this little space it's so sad the only thing missing is Sarah McLaclin singing in the corner what it's fine there's not that many they're attacking sorry he loves blondes and apparently pooping on the carpet twinkles no oh oh okay quick introductions that's a Bethany Radford seller Franklin Elanor pudding mistachio Metsy Meredith Baxter Bernie she remembers all of their names i don't even remember the name of the guy I lost my virginity to the best I can do is coach something well Catherine I think it's lovely that you have such a big loving hairy family kind of like the Kardashians there's only 24 [Music] oh 31 let's go before one of these rabid cats bites us and we become half human halfc cat hybrids who wander the streets but are never cold we're just going to go have a little conversation in the hall and FYI the mother looks like she's eating the little one just a thought I'm only saying that cuz it's in her mouth lindsay release let's go in less than 5 minutes I went from 24 to 31 and I saw two cats in the corner doing it doggy style so in 2 months we could be looking at 50 cats max you can't get pregnant doggy style right we can't go back in there's so much hair in there i saw a cat using a lint roller okay but if we don't leave her here we only have one other option no Kitty is not going to a shelter why lots of cats get adopted and end up in beautiful homes look I didn't want to say this but she's not pretty enough what are you talking about she's not pretty enough come on she doesn't have classic good looks but she's adorable we cannot take her to a shelter she'll die there and yeah everyone says they want one with a nice personality but they really just want a hot sexy young kitten who still gets excited about balls in her face everything okay ladies no everything is far from okay my boots are now Uggs thanks to all the cat hair in there stop it sorry that's Gina she's bipolar and she refuses to take her med stop it Dana sorry Catherine this isn't going to work out it's nothing personal it's just that you're crazy truly I'm heartbroken ow ow i already had a name picked out for her veronica too ow stop it ow ow i got I got to go who wants Um just so we all know Veronica 1 committed suicide right this is so exciting i've never bought anything on the black market before i'm still afraid to go to that Filipino market around the corner [Music] are you the guy i don't know are you the girl so far this musical sucks what's the password cronut was 1 2 3 4 already taken [Laughter] meet us by the door which is code for meet us by the door which is code for you're really bad at code okay let's talk about our plan it's a classic good cop bad cop i'm going to ask the guy for 10 cronuts and he's going to quote me 250 right then I play bad cop and act outraged and then I play good cop and we settle at 200 yeah and don't worry about me i'll improv some good stuff on the spot are you sure you don't want to run it by me first i was in an improv group at Wharton we were called the fun percent and I can imagine myself not laughing with 99% of the audience let's make it quick you're not the only girls in town who want my nuts i assume you mean cronuts no I'm also a male prostitute let's see the product [Applause] she meant the other baked goods you got to be clear fruity maids all in a row let mama get a taste it's pure how much for 10 i know I said 250 earlier but bull crap 150 or we walk okay let's all just calm down that's a really good deal Max how about we settle at 200 and call it a night yeah yeah about that i've been getting mad offers for these things tonight i actually got to raise it to 300 or I walk al your hands are cold what' you call me nothing that's what I thought she said 200 we'll pay 200 and you'll take it you'll shove it in this Hannes her way hoodie you're wearing you'll say thank you Max and you'll hit the bricks capich Caroline Cash thank you Max what' you say thank you Max i've got the chills now do you guys serve tea how's that for bad cop riveting i felt like I was watching SVU Bakery edition now watch this is how one graciously accepts a gift what the hell is this a wig either that or you scalped a lesbian from the8s yep i grabbed her bolo tie and climbed up on her shoulder pads you took away my security thing the pillowcase so now I'm taking away your security thing your hair you could wear that on your head tonight and then tell me again how this is all in my head did you have to get the ugliest one they had what do you want for 37 cents fine i'll put this roadkill on my head just to prove to you that I am so much more than my hair i am my attitude my spirit my brain my bravery maximum scar go the bangs go in the back that's my kind of woman cop salad pick up uh hey Sophie are you here for the mafia widow discount i'm incognito i'm making a drug drop for Max max I got you drugs thanks and I love that you have an outfit for everything I ask you to do where's the blonde [Applause] knock oh my god did Caroline join a bowling team max no oh crap rod Stewart just busted us want to have some fun what's the big deal Square the big deal is that Max thinks she needs these pills because I threw away her blankie it was a pillowcase and I needed to sleep she has to rub it in Poland I had this little thing that I like to tickle before I went to sleep but my aunt threw it away what was it was my cousin Nora give me the pills nope and Max you were wrong see I'm not attached to my hair in fact I am loving my new look am I a single mom trying to keep it simple am I an assistant in Over My Head or am I Chariss Throne in the John Bon Joy [Music] story maybe and I'm fine with it cuz I am not my hair oh my god turkey club cutie hide me on your knees in a bad wig listen girl i've been there no I just don't want to be seen caroline I love you but I can't hear anymore that hair was hard enough to look at in the 70s fine you were right i was wrong now help me get this off he can't see me like this that's right give me the pills max no you don't need them and we don't know where they've been fine i'm going home to try to sleep and since this is all your fault you can finish my shift you're on your own lady who lived across the street from Al Bundy i got to say I'm pretty impressed I can do this it's not so hard i don't know what Chenise is always bitching about i guess that's who she is i can't believe I still haven't slept i'm going to be awake forever it's going to be like that movie Awakenings but not at all max you can rub me wow that wig changed you no here rub the edge on the bottom of my jammy top like it's your pillowcase no if I rub the bottom of your jammies that would be my bottom turkey club cutie didn't ask me out probably cuz my hair was so messed up from the wig don't be so hard on yourself it could have been your personality too you really think he only liked you for your hair i only like me for my hair told you you're attached to it so attached to it twirling it tossing it flipping it feeling it on my neck on my shoulders on my back caroline Channing without the option of a sleek updo is not Caroline Channing and I'm sorry i'm sorry I judged you for having an attachment to something when I'm no better and I'm sorry I got rid of your sweet sheets max max night Max why can't I ever have anything nice our drinks are right there i can see them over yonder on ye old bar it's been an hour where is our waitress Lizzy Bordon [Laughter] probably in the back deciding which words to pronounce weirdly i'm starving bust out those chicken cutlets no wonder they don't have any bad Yelp reviews no one's ever tasted their food hi um our drinks and Did you ask the chef about the soup you know I haven't had a minute she hasn't had a minute what's she been doing dancing with wolves i mean have you ever I know how can you even barman and I have been here forever and have yet to see our dandelion chickpea fog awa he's hypoglycemic and I'm Laya and I'm pissed i'm getting our drinks would you get us some wine oh sure what kind a Chardonnay for me and Byron will have a solar blonde max no they'll kick us out and what what caroline you won't be here when he arrives dear Lord the man is not coming i know that Max and he's not coming because he died he died that's the only reason I can accept what's up how are y'all doing tonight not so good my girlfriend just broke up with me oh yeah you like blondes cuz I got one who's ready to pop no man i'm into Asian chicks yeah who isn't except for Asian guys hey do me a favor just wait a minute and then come over to my table and flirt with my friend why would I do that on my house is that the dandelion chickpea and other things that don't belong in a dishy other thing all right your dandelion chickpea a chardonnay and a savon blanc enjoy what do you think you're doing waiting on tables look into it york york don't be mad byron was starving and we're thirsty don't kick us out we're too weak to go anywhere else the soup has garlic oh then no the salmon please bring her the damn soup she ain't kissing nobody tonight and I'll have the freerange chicken that thought it had a chance for your help Byron wants you to have it well Byron is the only real old-fashioned thing in here i hope you both survived the winter hey can I join you oh I think that can I join you was to you oh sure have a seat you're pretty you have a good body wow thank you that's actually kind of nice to hear because this is hard to believe but I got stood up tonight and it kind of makes me feel good when you say I'm pretty and I have a good body what are you doing oh I'm on Tinder it's the straight grinder i just got a hit well I'm out thanks for the drink you paid a guy to say I'm pretty and then he blew me off oh my god I just realized something upsetting what that we could be enjoying delicious hot dogs on sticks right now no I'm a bee no you're an A that bra just makes you look like a B no I mean me as a woman i'm a B you know all this time I kind of thought I was an A but maybe I'm just a B that's why he walked away and why the surfer stood me up caroline I really want to be here for you right now but I got to get a jin fizz to the prospector in the corner max am I a bee why didn't he come all I know about that surfer is that he is a D followed by three other letters i'd spell it out for you but I'm literally afraid I'd get it wrong interesting that you didn't say I wasn't a B look I don't give myself letters in life to me it is clearly a pass fail situation and you're sitting up not drooling on yourself so pass tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life oh crap i got to do this again all right but this time I'm not seeing trouble with the curve you are about to do something very big yes she is such a big step big step for both of us cuz I'll be using my business acumen working in the office to help pay the tuition sh i'm talking about Max so we all chipped in to get you something for your first day of school it's my first day too caroline please i can't hear Han talking about Max okay here you go darling a book bag for school so what then is my surprise party after this one what is happening people doing nice things for me and smiling am I transferring foster homes again and there's more stuff inside that was supposed to be a surprise too surprise Max open it look inside yeah Max see what's inside for your big day big day for Max big day for me as well a Metro no way from me unlimited rides unlimited rides is that what your stamp says i was going to get mad but that was a damn good one okay what's this hans's house a simple thank you would suffice thank you for your house Han it's a pencil case and I love it and I was sitting here thinking how you were all ignoring my part of the big day and then you give me this pencil case to use in the office and prove me wrong that's for Max what the hell is wrong with you people max doesn't even need pencils she'll be baking well she'll be baked take a look joints oh that's so sweet these should last me till recess wait where's the chef's code sophie had monogrammed that was supposed to be a surprise oh I know come as a my name's on this the only thing my name's ever been on before is a urine sample thank you everyone so there is nothing in that bag for me there's nothing wow i'd even take Oleg's penis on a hot dog bun right now i'll be right back look there are her sisters Cecilia and Angela and there are her nieces and nephews and there is not me anywhere you know my pictures must be in the coffin with the other VIPs you're a VIP can we get some bottle service good afternoon ladies i'm Anthony Antonio's nephew it's a sad day huh yes it is oh think I just got a little less sad anthony stop we're family i'm Caroline Channing you're Caroline hot is all I know are you ladies need cash envelopes or you guys cool i always need a cash envelope i'm sorry envelopes for what well at Italian Wakes the mourers give the family a donation after they viewed the deceased so it's pay-per-view that was a good one hey you want to go get a pop later we're leaving right after but yes Anthony thank you we'll take an envelope the body's right through there go right ahead anthony I'm really nervous i've never seen a dead body before i've seen a bunch a couple of them are my fault i don't have any cash do you have any money let me check my wallet this is a real zip lock not one of those knockoffs make sure you seal the envelope so people think it's all quarters max we're next i'm afraid hold my hand hold hands what are we on a Christian Mingle fifth date please Max i'm nervous oh god thank you okay now give it back what that was just my longest relationship plus I needed to put this change in the envelope she looks so peaceful hi Antonia it's me Caroline should I kiss her the family's right there watching the lady before us kissed her go for it it doesn't look like she'd fight you okay on the count of three one two no Max my hand good luck what do we do but leave it we were giving it to them anyway not all of it that's our cheese steak money leave it come on i am so so sorry about that my nerves got the best of me you understand i'm Cecilia antonia sister i know i see the resemblance i'm Caroline caroline who oh Caroline Channing caroline Channing who you're having a hard time processing understandable it's been a very emotional day for us all who is this girl you I feel like I've seen somewhere are you Ricky's girl from Rochester i could be what's in it for me antonio used to take care of me when I was little oh Antonia was your babysitter very nice of you to come well she was hardly my babysitter she took care of me every day for 10 years caroline caroline Channing i'm sorry but I don't know who you are sweetheart though it seems to be what you hammering me about if you'll excuse me I need a cigarette and then I got to remove some of those pennies off of my sister it's a coffin not a wishing well here's some blankets for you Max and you can take the couch caroline and I will take the bed once again our apologies we are just too drunk to go too drunk you did share that one glass of wine yep we are too drunk so too drunk to walk i don't know you be the judge i am so sorry about this it's fine Caroline i know what's going on here oh Nicholas before you go I just wanted to say thanks again for the drinks the dinner the dessert my pillows and the expella we get it Grandma good night we'll be right over there and I'll be right over here good night sleep tight don't let the bed box bugs have sex with you but you and I are going to do it right oh yeah i think I took my pill this morning either that or I didn't take my pill wow Max this is a big step that you may or may not have taken today you know if it's too much trouble we don't have to go off condoms so you're the one guy in the world who wants to still wear a condom do you have something no it's not like that i'm just saying the pill is a big commitment oh so do you not want to take this step because I already went to Planned Parenthood and I never planned anything max I guess I'm just surprised what was that thought i hear nothing so so that's what Caroline sounds like during sex keep talking like I'm here uh oh oh yeah baby right there that's a spot yeah and now slap my face with him oh it's still here that's what I'd be saying sorry i'll switch it up uh go fish Max max what are you doing what are you doing we're fine we're just lying here talking no we're not i'm really turned on why what's he doing to you it's not him it's me i'm the predator here you were right you better stop me get up here with us i'm not getting in bed with you max just get in the bank i know block when I see one i am so sorry this is silly i know it must be hard for you not not anymore i can't be this girl i don't want to be the he's leaving her for that's my favorite Dr seuss book carolyn what are you saying you were just leading me on this whole time oh whoa whoa whoa whoa hold it Pebb Le Pew and yes I've been saving that one for after finals it is not just Caroline you've been chasing after her harder than a fat kid in a rolling donut contest that's true wait wait Caroline do we still have a shot or not no then better go hide in the bathroom i don't want this screwing up my marriage what if you're not going to be with me I'm going to have to stay with my wife i mean I'm a man i cannot be alone now go go go she cannot find you here in our apartment why don't you just tell her the truth that nothing happened between us she will not believe me i have a history there are two of us here i also have that history now go please that's the least you can do after ruining my life almost almost ruined your life come on Max this is totally inconvenient my C better go up to a B this is crazy us hiding in a married man's bathroom like a couple of cheap flooies so far I'm just hearing a factual depiction of what's happening here let me see what's going on i can't understand them i thought she spoke French only enough to impress Americans oh my god lelette lelette that's where we are she's coming in here what should we do pretend we're hot plumbers hide in the i think she might notice us you know that's oak glass right let me just get you a clean hand tower she has to pee pee she can't come in here to use the toilet cuz my life is in it this is unfortunate so go out the window what it's not a problem there's a ledge wide enough for you to walk to the neighbor's terrace jump and get away stephanie did it who's Stephanie that's not important she's fine i'll go you have to go unless you think you were nice you'd have a shot i'll be on the ledge come on Max no way not happening Lucy if he loses his bad marriage I'm responsible almost almost responsible max I wouldn't even be in this situation if I wasn't working with him to put you through pastry school oh so this is my fault max please just let it be your fault it's completely doable by the way it's raining come on we can do this we've crawled 15 ft on our roof to get a legal table yeah for the Breaking Bad finale something worth dying for my god are you insane get back in here max baby you're right we should have taken the hot plumber route i'm coming back my legs won't go max don't be back damn it damn it get to the bathroom she closed the window and she locked it go if Stephanie did it we can't do i can't believe we're out here all because of him i am such a bad chunk of character of course you are i'm your best friend i'm sorry this is bad well at least it could get any worse unless we fall out of hell like hail it's clear come on i don't want to die me neither that's weird for the first time in my life I don't want to die i have a boyfriend and my first bee oh god I'm getting stopped i can't die i haven't made my comeback yet in my fantasy you and I move into that penthouse I bought from Jennifer Lawrence right over there was the roof garden the tour right i mean whoever you are am I dead almost almost dead i'm on the phone with Claire you mean unclear she wants to make a couple changes what should I tell her tell her I hate her no you know what i'll tell her i love to tell people things give me the Max i beg you $1,300 god she's so crazy i should just make a giant cake and have psychiatrists pop out of it hey Cla Bear what's happening babe max I've been thinking and I know I said I didn't want the fondant frosting but now I just saw a photo of another wedding cake that was so gorge and I started thinking uh-huh sure no problem so then we can do the fondant yes definitely fondant oh perfect bye love you love you too max I know you worked hard and you're probably upset about having to change it [Music] [Laughter] i'm sensing a lot of hostility that has nothing to do with that couple and maybe more about you and a certain groom that didn't happen what you can't light a couple's head on fire without it being about your ex-boyfriend max I know you're sad about it i heard you crying last night that was you crying well someone was [Music] crying oh my god Max it's beautiful you did an amazing job that's quite a cake cake cake calm down i made a cake i didn't fold a fitted sheet oh and I like the new bride and groom by the way I fished the other ones out of the garbage in case we ever get a burn victim wedding okay there's the extra icing let's go now grab it with two hands and lift with your knees oh is that how you think it should go cuz I was going to grab it with my head and lift it with my face got it got it got it oh oh wait got it got it got it got it got it got it grease puddle got it got it got it roach got it bedford Avenue got it got it got it got it got it watch the doors max this is so heavy i know we're two grown women who can't afford a taxi oh there's a seat over there we can put this down got it got it got it i blame science people shouldn't be living this long max I need a break me too maybe just like 2 weeks apart like no phone calls nothing i mean the cake and you love me other side less crowded oh this guy can't see just our look uh to the left sir other left oh what is everybody blind now who are you even dancing for everyone's blind got it got it got it losing it losing it pulling it pulling it losing it second win got it got it first Avenue first Avenue station they're there put them down nice i think we got it don't got it [Music] here we are home sweet at least it's not a rest home lester not that I minded pushing you 35 blocks but you could walk at the home why can't you walk now i'm too depressed to walk i've been depressed since I learned to walk i mean I was nine it was time i have just lost the love of my life have you ever made love to a lady with no teeth and two plastic hips i for one have not Max no but it just rocketed to number one on my bucket list i lived here from 1954 to Studio 54 elijah Minnelli threw up in that corner it's the only time I ever saw anybody take three boughs after a vomit why did you leave you always think you're going to find something better yep the toilet grass is always greener okay that's the building rep lester do we need to go over our cover story again it's pretty easy i'm Carla Spaetta mildmannered pet trainer by day hottempered Nigerian spy by night lester only listen to me max is your granddaughter and I'm her sober companion which is the only part of our story that's true that's him now just sit and smile and nod i'll nod but I'm not going to smile welcome to my grandfather's happy happy home there's his couch there's his kitchen what's this there's his bong his bong good afternoon i'm Roger from building management i'm here to verify this lease and I'd like to do it before the rest of this doorway caves in and of course you know my dear dear grandfather Lester I just have a few questions mr donovan have you ever made love to a woman with a silicone hip amazing okay I can cross that one off my list hey girls I came through the back cuz this junkiey's on the front stoop and it's still a little awkward between us oh uh this is Sophie she lives upstairs as you can see Roger no problems everything's totally legit hey who's the old guy she lives upstairs and she doesn't know Lester she knows him this is just a sexual game they play called Who Are You that doesn't sound like a sexual game it is when she's saying it to his penis sophie this is the guy from the agency who just came by to verify that Lester actually lives here oh yeah he lives here every day and we've played that game forever who are you come closer he can't hear you i'm feeling better already so the main takeaway here is that they both live in the building legally now let's just sign that lease all righty Mr donovan i just need your signature here and this will lock you into the lease for another four years what's your hip situation i'm as hip as they come baby now that's a looker here you go yep all done you have the apartment for another four years enjoy it oh and I'm required to say traces of cancer stuff have been found in some of the apartments have a nice day [Applause] four more years four more years we get to stay in the place I never thought I'd want to stay in oh Lester you're up feeling better like a million bucks i'm starting to feel like my old self again oh hey it's been 18 hours let's go see if your friend's dead yeah Lester let's get you home what are you talking about i am home what do you mean this is our place not according to that lease I just signed i'll be in my bedroom good to be home row how come they only give you one of these okay Max maybe don't say anything else or they'll take your diploma back okay graduates it's time everyone line up alphabetically and let's make our way oh and congratulations you did it max you look so smart in that robe not that smart i just found out you're supposed to wear clothes under this thing max I never asked you you were so close to getting your diploma why didn't you take that test i was going to but my mother kept me out of school that day to go to the mall on finals day was there at least a special appearance by Raven Simone no one good ever came here just like my mother didn't come here today there's still time maybe she'll come maybe i mean my dad was late to my graduation because his helicopter needed to refuel yeah that's probably what happened to my mom but her helicopters probably passed out on top of her i have never been more confident because as I stand here and look out at all of you today I was my class validictorian i realize nobody can stop us mhm yeah I thought that too we are the future mhm sure we are until you have to pee on a bus in 10 years thank you Amy it's hard to imagine not hearing that voice every day for the next four years thank you [Applause] hi Mrs miss Max's mom this is Caroline Channing your daughter Max's best friend and roommate and business partner i didn't want to leave this on a voicemail but I cannot believe you didn't show up to your own daughter's graduation when you are the sole reason she didn't graduate in the first place i mean who takes their daughter to the mall on finals day what kind of mother are you and all the times I've defended you to Max and not to make it about me but it was a lot saying she's not that bad she's not that bad well I guess you are that bad max is right you are a monster if you're on your way we're in the second row i have blonde hair christina Bears that's my granddaughter salazar Belmonte that's my boy max Black max Black [Music] that's my dad come on so what you called them all yeah you know just in case max you were right and I was wrong your mother's really as bad as you said that's not that bad what do you mean she took you to the mall on finals day yeah but it was the greatest day we ever had we got ice cream we ate it in the massage chairs at Brookstone and then a kid fell in the fountain and we died laughing i guess you can graduate high school any day but you can only watch a kid almost drown in a fountain once it is okay that she wasn't there today because you were and none of this would have been possible if you hadn't pushed me and that kid wouldn't have almost drowned if I hadn't pushed him little different bottom line you had faith in me like Thomas Jefferson had faith in Louiswis and Clark oh no now you're both nerds [Music]