Best Standup Sets of Winter 2025 Compilation | Standup Comedy | Cracked Comedy Club – YouTube Dictation Transcript & Vocabulary

1.everything was a lie growing up we thought Diddy was safe to be around that was untrue he had a thousand a thousand bottles of baby oil that's too much like how much baby oil you think you used in your whole lifetime right maybe one everybody's great grandmother died and among to possessions there was one bottle of baby oil had that clear label cuz it was old as [ __ ] and there was still a little bit left you know when she got that [ __ ] when she was born Diddy had a thousand that's a crazy number 20 bottles that's one case right 10 cases that's 200 bottles that's a pallet did he had five pallets of baby oil in the crib you can't fit that in the Suburban you got to get a box truck for that like you got to get your cars out the driveway tomorrow I got some [ __ ] coming in yeah just back it up go straight go straight cut the whel cut the wheel beep it's [ __ ] up it's too much we had the cops somebody hopped the train and the cops got on the train and shot everybody on the train that's the wildest [ __ ] I ever heard in my life they was like if if one person don't pay their Fair we [ __ ] all y'all [ __ ] up word up you better make sure when you get on the train everybody around you paid the fear or you might get shot too [ __ ] [ __ ] out of here that [ __ ] scary you like yo you got to pay bro n go back through go back go back through they arrested the mayor the mayor got indicted what the [ __ ] the whole mayor's office everybody in the office was taking bribes they said the school Chancellor was taking bribes how the [ __ ] do you bribe a school Chancellor right you like nah nah nah don't teach these [ __ ] nothing bro hold me down [ __ ] them kids they said they was bribing the the fire marshal that's [ __ ] up fire marshal that's a crazy bribe the cops make sense right you like yo you arrested Me Maybe you take this envelope you're not arresting me no more what you doing with the fire department you like nah let that burn for a little bit let that rock I think my ex in there hell yeah it's too much we got to do something about all this crime in the city you remember how the Summer started in New York they had a dude walking around punching women in the face no reason that was [ __ ] up then I saw this thing on the internet said if you're a man who lives in New York it is your responsibility to protect these women you can't just let this happen so what I would do I would leave my comedy shows late night and I would see a woman walking by herself and I'll be like Excuse Me Miss would you like me to follow you home I don't know if you knew this but there's a man out here punching women in the face and a lot of that got to do with fragile masculinity where a man will be rejected and subsequently become violent so I'mma ask you again would you like me to follow you home two weeks later I found out it was me I was the reason women was F reports that's my bad ladies I'm sorry about that that's why you can't listen to the internet no more good news on the internet no more reliable information like I don't know about y'all but every third swipe on Tik Tok somebody trying to convince me I got autism what the [ __ ] is that leave me the [ __ ] alone Tick Tock I don't have autism I just like to count [ __ ] sometimes that's it the [ __ ] I can't have autism it's impossible cuz I'm in my 40s right autism didn't come out till the year 2000 how the [ __ ] would I get autism I was already an adult when I was little we didn't have no autism we have no autism we didn't have no mental illness we didn't have none of that all we had was nicknames that's it you be like yeah that's my man three clicks he got to turn the light on and off three times every time he come in the room that [ __ ] is funny to us call that [ __ ] three clicks like bro I think that's OCD nah that's OCD he tried to spell doc one time got the letters mixed up that [ __ ] is funny to us call that [ __ ] OCD like bro I think that's dyslexia nah that's dyslexia but she just Dominican that's her real name so I don't know her mother call her that call her Lexi sometimes this is cool everybody was up here talking about dating I'm trying to date that [ __ ] is rough man cuz nobody likes dudes no more that [ __ ] is played out it's hard to just be a dude outside you know the hardest thing about dating I'm being honest it's that women's houses is mad boring women don't have [ __ ] to do in their houses you ever been to a women's house you're like what the [ __ ] it's got plants and murder mysteries that's it that's all they got if you lucky they got like a 90y old dog just crawling around the house just see some zombified dasham crawl from under the couch she's like there's my Pooky like yo that nigga's dead bro you got to get you got to let that [ __ ] go he don't want to be here no more like what are you talking about it's my Pooky that's how he breathe you know what's interesting about women they that they actually go to the doctor like women be having mad ailments that you never [ __ ] heard of and your like like you go to a dude's house you look in the medicine cabinet it's like perk sets at roll some fly [ __ ] some [ __ ] you want to steal you go whole women's medicine cabinet you like what the [ __ ] is this she's like oh actually I don't have a liver I was born with a Geral on a wheel so instead of a liver I have an actual gerbal so this is gerbal food I got to take it every eight hours I got to eat a gerbal pellet so my kidney keep working cuz it's actually a Geral on a running wheel let's what the [ __ ] is wrong with this [ __ ] [ __ ] is rough I'm in my 40s I'm single outside trying to [ __ ] talking to these young women these young women they look great but they say crazy [ __ ] right young women say crazy [ __ ] like I was born in 1997 like what the [ __ ] are you talking about how the [ __ ] were you born in 1997 he was born after Biggie got shot get the [ __ ] out of here that's that's crazy the [ __ ] is going on in here it's hard to deal with young people cuz I don't I don't understand them no more I always thought when I got this age that I'll be like I'll be like a mentor to the youth I'll be able to like relate some of my life experiences and help guide them you know in their life's path then I saw this dude in his 20s wearing Crocs in the snow I was like nah these [ __ ] got to die bro they not going to make it we got a euthanize D we got to get them off this planet they are not going to survive here's something I learned recently about young people I learned young people don't eat hot dogs no more they call them Gizzy and they laugh at you if you eat them I didn't know that I didn't find out that till I went to a hot dog stand got two hot dogs one with ketchup and onions one with sauerkraut mustard I was switching it up doing some different [ __ ] took a bite of my hot dog and all I heard was nah chill son this [ __ ] eating a Gizzy and I looked up it was a whole High School worth of teenagers just laughing at me pointing and [ __ ] just thousands and thousands of teenagers as far as the I can see they had their phones out they recorded me uploaded me on the internet got me eating hot dogs on Boomerang [Music] like like what the [ __ ] is going on right now I was mortified cuz I don't care who you are how old you are how tough you are what you been through when bunch of teenagers makes fun of you that [ __ ] hurts bro like yo stop leave me alone where are your parents get out [ __ ] sucks but here's the thing about me I'm from Brooklyn I was born in Brooklyn raised in Brooklyn went to high school in Brooklyn so I know how to deal with this situ situation cuz you only got two choices at this point you either going to get bullied for the whole rest of your life bod's teenagers or you're going to address the situation right here right now so that's what I did I went up to the main teenager the alpha teenager I went right up to him and I shot him I killed him right there front of all his friends started pointing the gun at the other teenagers like get the [ __ ] out of here suck my dick little [ __ ] the [ __ ] you think this is I'm 43 years old you can't call me a Gizzy gobler what the [ __ ] is that I don't even know what that is you can't call me that can't call me that and make it the graduation [ __ ] you got to pick one all right you guys have been great thank you so much I'm sing good clap it up if you're queer in here hell yeah okay officers round them up no I am I am queer but recently you're laughing too hard recently I did go on a date uh with a man to completion it it was the first time in a long time that I've been with a guy but I got to say no matter how much time I take off giving head is like riding a bike yeah um in that I do not know how to do it I feel like it's too late to ask my dad to teach me but I am I'm doing I'm doing bits in the bedroom you know someone tries to go down on me I kind of Slam my legs together shut and I go too slow uh uh uh got your nose or I know a lot of people like to have sex you know Hamburger style lying down I much prefer having sex hot dog style with a hot dog or oh my God I know my favorite position is reverse missionary that's when you travel to another country convince someone to lose God and also your butts are touching a few days ago I was talking to my friend like gold star lesbian and they were like well you know I've never done doggy style or at least I've never been the Doggy Dude do you think doggy style is one [Laughter] dog and someone will call I don't know Greg the dog [Applause] [ __ ] I was like dude that's so degrading to think I'm not I'm not a dog I'm daddy's little [ __ ] um speaking of uh my Dad's here no just kidding I haven't told him i' do this um no I have I have recently started seeing someone new and the other day we were going to meet some of his friends and I could feel him like building up a little speech and I was like oh he's going to ask to like call me his girlfriend so you know I'm I'm bad in my eyelashes twirling my teeth I don't care and he goes hey I was wondering before we meet my friends would you stop threatening to kill yourself so much uh which which is is how I found out I cannot stop threatening to kill myself so much I don't know when but I I've been whipping that out at the slightest sign of an inconvenience self checkout doesn't work at Walgreens that's cool I'm going to try the one in heaven oh my God everyone in here either has had or should have Suicidal Thoughts but we're like desensitized to it I just feel like let's say you and your friend are running to catch a train and you guys miss it you're bummed and your friend is like oh God damn it I'm going to kill myself you're like yeah no me too same dude I have friends I take the train with people um you don't get worried though it doesn't ring alarm Bells but okay I think you'd get worried if you were running catch a train with a friend you guys miss it and their reaction is oh God damn it I am not going to kill myself sure thing buddy do me a favor let's say that a few steps away from the yellow line all right it feels like you can joke about suicide but only if you're getting like as silly and specific with it as possible I texted a friend the other day that I wanted to uh put rocks in my pockets and walk into the sea I think because what was happening um it was it was the middle of a Wednesday and my boss was asking me to do the job he pays me to do and he responded he wasn't like oh is she okay does she need someone to talk to he said walk into the sea slay Little Mermaid another thing is when it comes to dating this is controversial but I'm a huge fan of doing friends with benefits and I know I know that's risky I know it sounds like a Surefire way to just lose a friend I mean I learned that firsthand this is true at one point in my life I had a friends with benefits and the friend passed away taking with him most of those benefits but the thing is I've done so many casual hookups so I'm used to playing like the game of it cuz it is a game you don't want to be the one to catch feelings right so you're sort of playing to see like well who can care the least who can be the most distant so for the other guy to just up and die all right dude we get it no strings attached one of the craziest parts so when I was walking to the funeral for this person I got cat called and I know that's tricky but I'm telling you when I heard the voice of that cat caller it was like you know after you lose a loved one and you're like staring out a window and you see a see a cardinal and you just know well imagine that Cardinal was an old man yelling at you about the exact body part your loved one loved the most so I'm I'm walking to the funeral of someone I was sleeping with I've just been cat called when my best friend in the world walks up to me she just always knows what to say she goes oh baby you look [ __ ] you know he's not going to be there right but I turned and looked at that cat collar and I was like I think he already is I will I'll change the mood a lighter note um okay the RMS Titanic I'm such a freak for the Titanic I love right and I'm not talking about the movie I'm talking about the event you're literally wearing a lifeguard shirt where were you they needed you I'm so obsessed with it oh my God I'm mad at you those there's something about it those Irish immigrants that ice B that's good white onwhite crime but here's a true little historical fact the night the Titanic sink April 14th 1912 I was a very little baby all of the maritime codes had just changed so as the ship is sinking the radio guys are actually sending a technically out ofd distress code they're sending out cqd and right as the ship's about to go under one of them's like dude that's how they talked bruh we're using the wrong code you have to send out the new one try SOS but it was too late here's my beef with that I feel like all the other ships know what they meant isn't that sort of a fascinating time to be a stickler get on board with Me Oh wrong you pun I mean what [ __ ] was on the USS grammar being like Oh guys I don't know can we send any more lifeboats are we familiar with Mark Wahlberg's quote about 9/11 yeah he said good again if you're not familiar Marky Mark he has this insane quote he told reporters if I had been on one of those planes 9/11 wouldn't have happened that's how I feel about the Titanic if I if I had been in the North Atlantic April 14th 1912 911 wouldn't have happened I'm going to leave you guys with this we're doing history we'll do science I do feel like the way that measure penises is very out of date cuz I mean Size Doesn't Matter unless it's too big or too small Size Doesn't Matter unless it's shape bad and I hate it Size Doesn't Matter but I don't know why profiles always have inches because inches is just length and width and when you want it to be penis is a three-dimensional experience so what makes most sense is if you have a penis go home tonight text me a picture stick your dick in a graduated cylinder let me know how much water you're displacing all right no cheating keep your eye on that meniscus all right keep it going for the show I love this city I'm not from New York City I've moved here from a third world country it's called Tampa Florida you guys ever been out there before anybody from the south yes go ahead yeah come on pull that gun out show them how we get down man everybody makes fun of the South everybody makes how Wild the south is but no one ever talks about how Wild New York City it's a wild place right it's crazy what we live in you ever describe what happens here doesn't happen anywhere else in the world on a regular day you can find a man butt naked at 10 o'clock in the morning just running through a Starbucks terrorizing elic Starbucks no one's going to say anything in Starbucks just going to be four people trying to dodge a naked man order their car is he gone good can I get a Mot oh he's coming back again and you like called the police like no he's a part of this Comm we're fine it's a staple here man uh in my life I never made a child in my life I have no kids which is rare for my skin complexion have no kids at all and it's okay to laugh at that I know I look like I got kids I thought I had two but I backed out of there you know what I'm saying come on bro sometimes you got to do it you know what I'm saying sometimes you got to do it if I could be honest my biggest fear in life is becoming a father that's my biggest fear man I think I might be a bad dad I was a horrible Godfather for a long time but I got better my Gods son he's 16 but was 3 years old he had a severe speech impediment and I thought it was my fault that's how bad I was I thought it was 30% my fault his parents and Marines asked me to watch him for the summer I was like yeah I'll do anything for this boy they go just to let you know he's non-verbal I was like even better I know he's not going to talk back to me you know what I'm saying so what we did the whole summer was watch the rise of the plan the Apes every single day I was like they're not talking he's not talking maybe they can communicate you know I was like what do he saying are they talking I don't know and he was three so he started doing they were doing woo I was like oh they're communicating oh my God he's talking he's verbal problem was we went out in public with him that was our biggest mistake now let me describe what he looks like he was a short blond hair blueeyed white child and not a problem like in the northern states like up here when you see a black or brown person walking with a little white child nobody thinks anything is wrong it was okay regular African or Caribbean Nanny like these people working again wow this baby's getting cultured look little Tom Hank son look at him right little ched Hank little white boy with a Caribbean accent this is great in the South when you see a black person walking with a little white child everyone thought I kidnapped this white child like excuse me that kid lost that's my godsend let me ask him buddy you lost he like let's call the police I said he said I'm his Godfather that's what we working on All Summer She said look at me buddy he said can I take you home he like Caesar is home I like oh that's my boy right there man he didn't understand he was non-verbal that's a big step for us man I'm jealous of my friends I'm not going to lie to you guys man all my friends had babies they got babies they're all fathers they had babies really young 13 14 some Southern stuff right all their kids are grown now right they're like adults man uh my best friend had a baby when he was 13 and uh he passed away when he was 25 years old so his son I helped raise him you know his son is 21 years old and he's crashing out in life and I can't intervene because he is a man he has to learn from his mistakes but his mother's jumping in when she shouldn't be uh she broke into his phone and found out he's dating a woman 47 with three kids and uh she's ghetto so uh she contact the woman on Facebook stay away from my son told told him you stay away from her I'm like only thing you're doing is bringing them closer together man and now it's the like the Garden of Eden it's forbidden fruit you got to let them dissolve on their own she goes you got to talk to him his dad's not here you got to say something to him like all right I'll talk to him I said hey man not to get inside your business man but I heard that you're 21 dating a woman 47 with three kids is that true he goes yeah what do you got to say about it I said your daddy be so proud of you right now son oh you a dog just like your dad man who you accept take me off speaker phone I think your mom's listening who want to judge or give any man advice about dating only thing I can give is suggestions if you're a single man in here just take your time before you find a partner man cuz times are hard man times are change if you're dating a woman in the past 10 years there' been a lot of job titles added to our resume every man around the world has to be a provider protector and a photographer and that's the hardest part man get in your girl's angle that's a very stressful environment to be on and if you don't get the perfect picture you now ruin a whole vacation that's how real it is I hated Brazil the whole country country because of me then when you finally get your girls perfect pictures they never tag you in the picture like give me some photo print man took me three hours to get this picture right come on man sorry I'm just going through a lot at home right now support all the dogs if you're a man support a man when you see a man it's a rare straight to say but when I see a man struggling I'll hold the camera I'll take the angle and no get the shoes get the shoes get the Aesthetics all the dogs support all the dogs the dogs we forget about sugar daddy support those old men when you see them man yeah I don't I don't think it's cool I think these old men are stressed out man when I see a man with a young woman cuz I know he's never getting a picture right cuz he's too old man he can't Lean Like This he's 81 get that old man off the ground man he's got a Purple Heart get him off the ground man you think he can take pictures he can barely read emojis he can't take your pictures and support sugar babies too man support sugar babies to these women are banging senior citizens man they're having sex with senior citizens they erve life insurance policies Universal Health Care pensions all that stuff now I've never had sex with an 8-year-old man in my life I'm not speaking from experience but I think these girls do because I don't think it hurts I don't think it's a lot of moving in that bedroom I think it's a lot of growling a lot of anaman PE being yelled out like boom bam Wham they try to they try to scare the [ __ ] Ed I'm a tiger Mr Charles you know alcino is 84 years old y know he's 84 years old his new baby mother's 30 years old yeah I'm not making up 30 years old got her pregnant at 30 he got her pregnant when he was 83 right and everyone called that woman a gold digger and I've been like hold on I think she worked hard for all the gold that's coming to her man you were not in her shoes when she was taking Dusty PPS from Al paccino you know what she was into ah sinable woman the crazy thing is he got her pregnant at 83 that's crazy I don't think anyone thought it was possible to get a woman pregnant at 83 I don't think Al knew cuz he look surprised in all the pictures when you see him 83 your seman cannot shoot out straight it doesn't man I think it sprays out like for Breeze like stop stop got that girl pregnant with the particles the particles got that girl pregnant sorry this is a Christian show let me clean it up I'm sorry my boy has another daughter uh she's 16 years old like I said her father passed away so every once a month we get our nails done we have girl time right and she's a very smart girl she has a boyfriend she's been dating them two weeks first boyfriend in her life and uh she gives great dating advice but I'm like you you a slow down she just started dating you know she goes I don't want any toxic men in my life I'm like you're 16 slow down and she called me a gaslighter that's what she called me and I'm going to be honest I didn't know what a gaslighter was at the time so I was like ain't nothing wrong with my car I got gas in it I don't know what you talking about it's a Toyota Camry 2012 but it got good gas this what she said to me she makes great dating advice she goes the problem with men in society is that men don't hold other men accountable that's why they say Reckless stuff the women she got me on that one my group chat is crazy right now [Music] you she said the problem with men men never tell their friends the truth they let men walk around with lies in their head I said that's me as well you know I L of my friends all the time I think it's hilarious I think it's funny I like them crashing out in life my boy asked me for dating advice I give him the worst advice ever cuz you think I should ask my boss out yeah ask your boss out she hir you she definitely wants you yeah go ahead at the Holiday party dance up on them when they play Nelly it's the time man go ahead man you're definitely going to get a promotion brother she goes if you love your friends you should tell them the truth I've been telling my friends the truth this year I've been losing friends a lot uh my best friend he got upset with me cuz I called him ugly a couple months ago yeah but I felt like I had to tell him he was ugly I felt like I had to he was like I'm ugly I said yeah I felt like life should have taught you ugly I don't know why I got to be the first one to tell you this you should have known that let me explain something he's been with this girl for 19 years they've been together since the sixth grade and they broke up 5 months ago and I told him as a man as a friend get back with your girl make it to 20 of you guys are destined to be together because I'm freaking done man I'm moving to New York City with you I'm about to be killing the city I haven't been single in 19 years these girls going to be all on me dog I said listen my [Laughter] brother this is not the city for you I said go to Utah get your confidence up then come here there is a lot of pretty people in the city don't think you're going to hit the ground run if you're a four in your state the credits don't TR for brother slow down now I couldn't convince him moves in New York City we're chilling right we're hanging out with some models right I'm not trying to flex no disrespected models but I'm from the south I like volumptuous women that's what I like I like yams that's what I like I like yams I like this piece of fat they be moving on the chicks arm big thighs cellulite woo love cellulite I'm a cellulite connoisseur if you're a woman Embrace cellulite cellulite to me looks like Caribbean still P like be it like a triner daddy when I see them cellulite pants I don't like big titties I like surprise big titty that's my favorite type of titty you know surprise big titties when someone unhooks your bra and force and goes who whoa he has to catch all the titty that falls out it's like holding Slinky for the first time you got to balance all the meat that falls out of there all right we're hanging out with some models right like I said my friend has not been in the wild in 19 years he's like a he's like a a whale in captivity does that make sense he's domesticated he don't know what it's like to be in the wild everything that he thought is cute is now creepy to women does that make sense he walks up to this model and I like hey man stop talking get her number goes all right I got it hey uh before we leave take my number down and she goes uh why should I take your number down he goes cuz everybody in this room knows I'm a mushroom I said no we don't why are you saying you're a mushroom we don't call you a mushroom at all and without a be in front of all the girlss he goes I'm a mushroom because I'm a fun guy that's what he said I said Sir you made my coochie dry like what are you talking about right now sir you scared everybody in this room Mushroom Man what the freak are you talking about somehow he gets the phone number calls her the next day turns out she gave him a fake phone number he was devastated he said bro can you believe this chick gave me a fake number I said yeah I was there Mushroom Man I saw everything that happened so me and my niece are getting our nails painted together I tell her the story and she goes it's not because your friend is ugly got a fake phone number it's not because your friend is creepy got a fake number that women in the society give out fake phone numbers because men can't handle rejection anymore it's a safety precaution just to make it home safe now that F me up that's crazy that every woman in this room is so smart to cater to a man's fragile ego just to make it home safe I'm not from that era though dog I'm from the a women called you ugly I remember those [Music] days a woman would boldly call you ugly then her friend would come and double down on your uglies that's how it used to be you could be dancing with a chick and her friend like nope get away from her no she doesn't want to dance you're a loser and you're ugly ugly loser I said hey this is my wedding you need to calm down [Applause] FR these chicken din go you guys have been fantastically well keep it going for your host have a great night I'll uh I'll start by saying this my friend just got a a mullet he got that haircut a mullet you know we've seen we've seen these things yeah and he was saying it's uh I'm sure you've heard this he's saying it's business in the front party in the back right we've heard that and uh I realized in that moment that I don't agree with that characterization of the mullet maybe I never have yeah like I understand party in the back sure yeah but I've never looked at the front of a mullet and thought uh is this guy a businessman oh my God are these the tiny bangs of a stock broker who am I looking at right now this guy's got money I feel like it should be party in the back woman going through something in the front maybe right maybe Renaissance Fair in the front something else something else something else good good uh I like it when people say I don't have a racist bone in my body you guys like that one isn't that a fun phrase right is that a fun little get out of jail free card for a racist right like yeah don't worry none of my bones are racist yeah don't ask about this meaty little area up here yeah let's just say this collarbone is bias free oh yeah you can trust these ribs oh we're cooking now aren't we folks we're cooking now we're having fun I uh I was a good boy growing up very good boy good good boy and uh my parents uh they got me very uh they cared a lot about homework right I was doing homework all the time and no video games no distractions no video games but I craved the video game so I begged right and finally one Christmas they got me a system and I'll let you guess what it was do you think it was a Nintendo B PlayStation or C Socrates the educational conso for Young Learners what do you think what do you think what do you think see Socrates oh my God and what a system it was this system had everything a young boy would want spelling games math games the list ends there it was just a terrific time right it did have some great games like what's the greatest video game of all time on three the greatest video game of all time 1 two three Socrates multiplication countdown exactly oh you pronounced it weird but I knew what you meant oh this game you had a certain amount of time to solve a basic math equation and if you ran out of time you got a bit more time the goal was to learn the goal was to learn you guys drinking tonight y'all having drinks [Music] yeah good be careful right you got to be careful especially if you're mixing your drinks right you got to be careful you got to do it in the right order right that's why we as a societ have come up with clever little Rhymes to help us keep it straight so we don't get sick right like beer before liquor you've never been sicker liquor before beer you're in the clear helpful Rhymes to help us navigate the night right keep things straight of course there's more to the rhyme we know that right beer before cider awaken the spider right cider before beer no spiders appear we know that but it's just helpful to remember if we want to do the night right right keep things smooth right right beer before rum the spider will come yes he will he will rum before beer the spider not here it's easy it's just helpful you know you just keep it straight have a good night safe night beer before wine it's spider time the point is you got to drink beer last unless you want to meet a little someone I like to call the spider there you go and people say comedians don't weigh in on the issues anymore philosophers of our time I uh I quit drinking last year and immediately started smoking cigarettes which is like a hard pivot to explain to people but I'll try basically I found out that alcohol is the second leading carcinogen in North America and I don't settle for a second you know what I'm saying brother yeah no here's the truth I had to no I uh I had to stop drinking because I kept blacking out um and then one night I came home and I wet the bed and my girlfriend at the time was in that bed oh baby was she in that bed and my pea spread through the bed and she woke up in my pee and she was displeased as girlfriends will be and uh and I will say this sexually we were a bit of a conservative couple you know like I don't know if she was into golden showers I never asked but I know now for a fact that she hates golden baths one more time give me one more time yeah good fun times times I uh I wrote some new jokes that I know I shouldn't do tonight but I just want to um do you guys want to hear my impression of a cute Trump supporter want to hear that my best friend won all right that's it that's all that's all that's all do you guys want to hear a joke that's been bombing all over Brooklyn do you want to hear that yeah oh tonight's the night you know that band Earth Wind and Fire yeah so here's my uh impression of uh water finding out about that bed okay you guys are going to love this water funny you guys started a band that's it that's all it is crowds all over the city have agreed not enough to the punchline must be more what else shall I tell you about I don't know I'm not a kinky man you know I'm not I uh I'm I'm pretty vanilla in the bedroom you know probably the kinkiest thing I do and it's it's like embarrassing how I don't know whatever I'll say it you so it's called Piggy's Delight right and uh it's probably pretty self-explanatory from the name right but I'll explain it um basically I tape my nose up like a little snout and I wear a curly C tail and I get in the slop right you know so I'm rooting around in the trough alongside the other Piggies there's many of us right and we're all looking for Mother's special apple right and who's that behind us you know that's mother right and she's barking orders at us like find the Apple dig faster don't look me in the eye and we're all trying to earn mother's special Blue Ribbon because then we get a night alone in the bed with Mother no touching um but aside from that it's mostly missionary style sex you know so like that's probably the kinkiest thing I do did I mention I haven't been doing comedy recently because I feel like that's really coming across I uh I was a good boy growing up I um my parents they wanted me to learn an instrument you know uh and so uh I was like yeah I'd love to sounds good and so they said do you want to learn the guitar or the cello so I I chose the cello because I'd never heard of it and um and it turned out to be just the the perfect choice you know because then I became a teenager and all my friends were in like rock bands punk bands and oh wouldn't you know there was always people were always clamoring for a cello you know they're always looking how do we get a cello in here you know such a versatile instrument the cello you know the number of times you find a cello hanging on your friend's wall when you go over and you say Hey you mind if I pull this down and play some long open tones would that uh would that kick this party EP not a little you know in high school guys would sit around a campfire right and some guys would pull out an acoustic guitar and be like hey who wants to hear some wonder wall you know and all the girls would come closer you know and I'd be sitting nearby with my cello like oh my God it's like shooting fish in a barrel oh if these girls like Oasis they're going to love funeral March in E here we go here we go I I quickly turned on the cello because I was a fan of pop punk and emo you know that's what I got into heavily and I want to leave you with a little uh bit of an education um because I I figured out how to write an emo joke right and I want to share that with you uh how to write an emo song I should say uh the joke is okay we're starting again um we're starting again we're starting it all over from the top I'm going to [ __ ] that all right all the way from the top oh baby yeah all right cracked we're cutting this out um no I uh okay here's here here's I'm going to teach you how to write an emo song right and I'm going to leave you with that so here's how you it all you have to do is uh write uh lyrics about the tools required to uh sing a Nemo song and then of course you uh sing it in an emo way right so for instance um this pen that writes these words this page on which I write this chair that holds my weight but where are you so that's an emo song right like that's a pretty good emo song you list the tools you list the tools then of course you get to the course you play with that I write your name I write your name I use a pen to write your name right and there's the twist in the joke it was actually sco all along oh my God if you're not familiar with sco that's Emo's angrier cousin it's the exact same as emo except there's one extra band member a raving animal they keep caged at the back of the stage who only comes out during the chorus to paraphrase the lead singer right I love you forever forever means every day okay Jeremy get back in your cage I'll see you at the [Applause] bridge and that's what we call a perfect set all right thanks everyone farewell I just keep getting older and uh I wake up and I'm just like oh I I forgot to have a family I don't have a I don't have a I don't have a family I know I'm getting older cuz I keep falling for internet scams is that I got the one where they email you and they're like we hacked your your computer and we know all the porn you've been watching and we're going to tell everybody unless you send us money have you gotten this one oh I was spooked I got that email and I read it very carefully and there was one sentence in it that was like by the way you've got really good taste winky face and that's when I knew they did not know what I was watching they would know you'd have to be really sick to say that to me um if you knew what I was watching um what are you guys into what do you guys watch can I get a category hentai okay amateur oh I heard amateur actually I like amateur anime porn um that that's that's when they just look like stick figures um anyway I'll tell you what I don't like and that's incest porn that's not for me but it's been normalized right am I crazy incest it's like on the homepage now right it's I feel like you used to have to search for it it's not in my experience but um I'm not into it because um my parents have tried to hook me up with my cousin before uh I'm Arab I don't know if you know in like Middle Eastern cultures and many other cultures throughout history uh cousin marriage is just kind of chill so point being I don't want to be watching porn and feel like I'm making my family proud you know what I mean it's not I grew up in a very strict Muslim family any other Arabs in the house mues Arabs oh that's the right tone for well I grew up in a strict very strict family I grew up kind of resenting my parents cuz they were it's a rules-based vibe in the Muzzy house um and I was just like a young girl in New Jersey I just wanted to have fun but there were so many rules but then when I was in seventh grade 911 happened you guys remember 9/11 yeah and every day on the news George W bush would go on TV and be like those people did this because they hate our freedom do you remember that every day he was like those people hate our freedom but I was watching that as a seventh grade girl like preach GE JY Bush uh they don't want us to date boys they don't want us to have sleepovers why do they hate freedom and like obviously I was too young to like get 9/11 and you know like oh the military industrial complex ping the Middle East for resources under the guys of spreading democracy but I think it's really nice that I was probably the one Muslim in the world after 911 that was like George Bush gets me um I was a big bush head back then any Bush heads here tonight take that any way you want anybody the best part about aging is Bush acceptance um I used to be very self-conscious about it um and now I just let go and the only time I like meticulously trim now is when I go to see the gynecologist cuz like they went to medical school they earned my respect you it's the only time anyone with a degree is down there and [Applause] so I like skaters I don't know to say if you can kick flip pit my DMs anyway um oh I should have asked um is there is anyone racist here this is a safe space do you guys um know the slur for Arabs okay I'll just tell you um the slur for Arabs is sand and word yes this is the slur for Arabs sand N word that's [ __ ] up right it's [ __ ] up that I can't even say my own [Laughter] slur like how am I supposed to take it back if I can't say it it's not very thoughtful on behalf of the racist I will say that it could even come up with a new one it feel it feels like a weird regift almost somebody calls me that I'm like I don't know it feels like it was meant for someone else but uh is anyone left-handed clap if you're left-handed wait stop clapping it sounds different uh do you guys see the Jared Fogle documentary you guys see Jared Fogo documentary you know what I'm talking about do you remember Jared said Jared Subway Jared yeah he was the spokesman for Subway for many years he was like the nerdy guy in the commercials he had the glasses he did like the pants thing uh because he lost a lot of weight um allegedly by eating Subway and and we were all really proud of Jared but then it turned out that Jared was a bit of a pedophile just to be clear not proud of Jared anymore boo boo Jared boo yes very brave of you to boo that pedophile yes okay okay but you know I was thinking a little bit more about Jared's journey and you would have to think that one of the main benefits of being a predator is that you don't have to look good to get laid you know what I mean so I'm just saying I'm just saying I'm just saying [Music] I'm just saying like he really lost the weight for him do you guys get death threats at all death threats no oh that's really sad that's how you know you've become somebody online is when you start getting death threats so if you're not getting them then like you you you probably should kill yourself like um well I get them and uh it's really weird to get a death threat from a stranger um especially when they're very young there's very young people on the internet and they're willing to say really terrible things I've had to ask myself questions I never thought I'd have to ask like like if a 15-year-old DMS me and says I'm going to rape you and then I respond you wouldn't know what to do is that like legally texting a minor I don't really know anyway okay I'm just going to end on a quick uh I'm just going to just going to go um but I'll talk about politics first uh um I don't know how you feel about the news I don't know if you've heard um but I have some good news for you because I know some people who are psyched that Trump won and it's not who you're thinking what I'm about to tell you is 100% true people in Japan love Donald Trump and the reason why it's such like a fun Freakonomics reason people in Japan like Trump because the translators there are too polite to translate the terrible things he says yeah so when they watch him on TV they're getting this like fictional sanitized Trump and they think that guy is cool is that fascinating and I couldn't stop thinking about that and I was like oh maybe that's also why Japan allied with the naziis you think they just weren't getting the full translation Hitler's like we must put the Jews in the ovens and the translators are like put Jews in sauna very good okay Anda has thank you isn't it weird that they're soft launching Nazism like that's a go hard to go home thing you know like it's real weird that like we getting Nazi salutes one at a time like feel like y'all all supposed to do it together what's the point of being a secret Nazi I think that's the kind of thing you just do in secret even did they tried to blame it on autism why people hiding behind the Spectrum we know autistic people they don't be doing Nazi salutes that's the best case scenario the best case scenario is Elon has a condition that makes him do that sometimes that's like like the best case is like his doctor comes out like yeah you know sometimes he' be doing that we was really worried SNL we was like yo a whole live show can you you might do a Nazi salute like Tesla kept it under wraps his whole time but yeah sometimes he be doing that they tried to say it was a Roman salute where's your skirt bro if you care about Rome that much why you got on pants you supposed to have Ruffles in your skirt I feel like if you are that in the room it should be skirt first then salute skirt up bro we need to see that skirt first you need to have a helmet with a mohawk on it if your helmet don't have a hairstyle then how do we know you really down with the Romans like that it sucks for me I drive a Tesla I didn't know I didn't know I've had my Tesla for years I didn't know I had to look up the head of the company before that I had a Prius I never looked up Dr Toyota whatever he does in the comfort of his own home that's his business he don't be on CNN giving speeches I don't know what he's up to the other day somebody egged my Tesla that wasn't for me that was for Elon I didn't cut anybody off now I got to clean it up Elon ain't going to come clean this up it's messed up eggs are expensive you know how expensive eggs are right there some rich person mad at me I didn't do it everything's expensive now I bought a Valentine's Day c a couple weeks ago $10 $10 I'm from a time where if you spend $5 on a card it would sing you a song now they want $10 for a card Millennials W even care about cards like that we'll give you a e card we'll be like yeah I'll put your information on this website happy birthday I gave some website your data but you know yeah I hope you doing well feel like if you have money then like giving somebody a card and just signing it that just means you thoughtless with money no card thoughtless blank card thoughtless with money like you got to go in on that card they give you a blank page you got to make that page go crazy you got if you're not expressive you got to draw a picture you got to do something you got that's your time to shine they give you a blank page I I treat like like the the lines that they do give you like it's lyrics like to am Migo song so like I'll put a parenthetical right next to it and then put a ad live in it like the car would be like you mean so much to me and then I put to me so I'm going in on my card I go upstairs my wife's like where have you been I'm like it's all going to make sense in a couple hours she's like no you need to tell me where you been I'm like just just give me some time it's so we going to laugh about this real soon she was like you got all this glitter on your hands and your face you need to start explaining I took the plastic off it had the plastic on there I was getting the glitter from the card on me I'm the first person to sleep on the couch cuz I remember Valentine's Day glitter's wild like that that's just the dust they had on whatever they was working on and then one day they were like yo let's sell the Dust all this red debris put that in the jar we could sell that too people like yo give me a glue stick and some of that debris I'm going to make this car nice I'mma go in I hate when people be like man I don't trust science then you're a scientist that's how it starts that's all they doing I don't trust Tresses then they try it over and over and over and over and over again until somebody's like I think we got it that's all science is how do you not trust trial and error going back years and years and years and years people tell me I don't trust science I'm like you need to get in there start doing some experiments get you a beaker get you a graduated cylinder get you a triple beam balance people always be like I don't trust science I do the research that's the past bro getting the present I don't trust new science though like like some of these new things that come out that haven't been tested yet I don't trust that like I don't trust some of these weight loss drugs like I'm not making fun of anybody who the doctor told you hey you have some health conditions you need to lose weight and maybe this drug will help I'm not making fun of anybody with that situation I'm just making fun of the people who show up to the doctor like give me the big head small body I'm ready give me the big head small body either make my head bigger or my body smaller I'm ready bobblehead me Doc what do I have to say to you to get the bige head small body come on some of these weight loss drugs have side effects that we didn't know oh they say OIC increases fertility there's all these women 50 60 years old new body new confidence walking around getting pregnant not hungry I feel like if you pregnant you supposed to be hungry call me old school cancel me cancel me yeah I you know I'm from another time I just feel like if you pregnant you're supposed to be hungry I'm sorry I cross the line I know every everything's different now but I just feel like you pregnant you're supposed to be hungry I know I know they're not going to air this they're not going to air this I went too far I went too far you know who's not scientist Nick leay and Vanessa leay they doing all these experiments and they are not scientists I don't know if y'all watch the ultimatum Love is Blind but that's what they call it they always like it's the experiment the experiment says I got to live with a stranger for 3 weeks to save my relationship it's the experiment I don't want to go on all these dates but it's for science I like love is blind cuz love is blind shows you the difference between men and women cuz like the women they'll be on there they'll be taking notes they'll be really keeping up with everybody they'll be comparing with with their peers and stuff and the men they'll just be on there like man everything's great I just wish I could see you like what do you even look like like I feel like we're building a connection but every night I'm just like yo like like oh man if only I could see you it's like dog you went on Love is Blind what what you think it was going to be you got has been wonderful my name's Rob hay fun week I did dinner with a group of my gay friends this week and I will say this with confidence gay men are the best of us yeah okay some of you agree over here and then a lot of homophobia on that side okay good to know where we stand interesting choice Brooklyn now I love it cuz it's masculine energy without the threatening Vibe you know like I walked into dinner they were like H the hair the makeup one of them was complimenting my tits I was like put them in your mouth what are you going to do enjoy it let's go they're having the most sex out of anyone on the planet too I don't know if you know this about gay men to be honest I don't understand why more straight men aren't gay okay have some fun live your lives dip it in dip it out okay but they were telling me about one of the apps they use I never heard of it it's called sniffies have you guys heard of this no so I heard one yes and I give you permission to speak during my set and you were told not to who's the person that's Hur of sniffies right over here how would you explain it well my gay best friend just told me L okay yeah I'll take it thank you for really taking your time with that I love that I love that thank you you're right it's like uh it's like grinder on crack it's uh it's unbelievable it's Le it's a hookup app it's less of an app more of just a map it's a map that you open on your phone it geocat you and whoever else has the map open in your immediate vicinity uh it's the Marauders map from Harry Potter is what it is it's just a little Mischief Managed and here we go it's pretty unbelievable but I was thinking about that and like how proud the original map makers of the world would be knowing that this is where their creation had come to cuz they were all gay no doubt by curious at least are you kidding me cartographers Sailors in the 1400s women weren't even allowed on ships back then because it was considered bad luck and that is the gayest thing that I've ever heard in my life there's no women aboard this vessel they'll bring bad weather and Misfortune Thomas's and Williams only we had a fun week though we did dinner together and then we went to see a movie we saw Amelia Perez have you guys seen Amelia Perez okay all right so there's a lot of Buzz about this movie right now and uh without giving away any spoilers Emelia Perez is about a Mexican cartel boss who wants to transition from male to female and Zoe sna plays a lawyer who helps him do that and it's in Spanish and it's a musical and it's the reason Trump one um yeah it's a liberal Mad Libs uh holy [ __ ] just show me going getting one uh and I actually posted that joke on social media and got a lot of heat from both sides of the political Spectrum which was really interesting like people on the left were like hey that movie doesn't accurately depict Mexican and trans people so you must hate Mexican and trans people and then people on the right were like why are women still allowed to talk thank you guys we're having uh we're having a time here in America right now I would say that having a Real Time anyone else feel like this country is about to absolutely implode yeah anyone else getting follow the Roman Empire Vibes right now yeah we're going down uh and we're such capitalist little freaks the end of this Empire is going to be so Peak America it's going to be televised it's going to be sponsored just like welcome to the 2026 Geico Civil War halftime show by Lady Gaga now there's a lot wrong with this country right now I think fundamentally one of our biggest issues that's a tough one to correct is that we are just too big we're too big of a country we are the size of Europe okay Europe doesn't have one person in charge of Portugal to Croatia what the hell were we thinking we should have just kept it to the 13 origies okay kept at a tight little Scandinavian strip all right but our founding daddies got a little greedy okay and they were daddies by the way Hamilton was a father but Benjamin Franklin are you kidding me those little spectacles and his lightning tricks that was a daddy you know that little pervert invented the catheter did you know that old be Frankie just walking around just nah give me your piss hoes [Laughter] so we're just out here it's too goddamn big too big I think uh I think another issue we need to tackle immediately is our news our news cycle has gotten pretty out of control do you remember when the news just used to be the news just one show one program 7 p.m

2.every night I'm Tom broka this is what happened at the day and time that it happened where did that go we have transitioned into a 24-hour interpretive dance of just the worst [ __ ] you've ever heard in your life unrelenting our news right now is a Russian gymnastics coach from the80s just brutal just more war famine a Kardashian eat Timothy shalom it's insane man it's so crazy we're all like getting our news from social media too that feels weird doesn't it just like everything's boiled down to like Millennial and gen Z terminology here's what I've like essentially gotten is that like the left is just like the party of no worries if not you know and then the right is just the party of like it's lit cuz um everything will burn everything will burn under this Administration but we are we're here we're just I don't know we're all just out here scared and pissed off at each other and just needing we're all in need of therapy right now I think does anyone here go to therapy okay I love that I love that I think therapy should be free and mandated to be honest absolutely absolutely um but I do think we need to get creative on how we Implement that people talk about defunding the police you know I don't know if we need to defund the police but I do think every police officer needs to get their masters in counseling therapy police you kidding me you get pulled over for speeding you have any idea how fast you were going what are you running from when's the last time you made eye contact with your [Laughter] dad so I'm out here we got any fellas in therapy out here one okay two nice you guys [Music] just just talk to someone once one time see if it helps I'm looking I'm looking for a fella in therapy I'm like dating a little right now I don't know I just got out of a very long relationship so I'm just starting to date again I was in a I was in an eight-year relationship do we have any couples in the crowd tonight okay who's our longest couple who's been together the longest like over five 10 years anyone okay I like that you're and where are you oh not even sitting next to each other okay well that is just fabulous um so what's the secret to your to the longevity of your relationship distance it seems I love that I love that you guys there was an option for you to sit next to each other and you both said not tonight not here not now it's wild I'll tell you it's wild going from a long-term relationship to dating again because in a longterm relationship it's it's a beautiful thing you get to develop this trust with someone this Bond you get to bring your full self flaws and all it's it's really amazing you know like I was at the level of comfort with my ex-boyfriend where we were just like you know we were living together for many years we were at this level of comfort of just like period underwear drying on every doorknob in the apartment every door knob covered in period underwear that I scrubbed bloody knuckles do you understand what I'm saying I just want to paint the picture for you guys to go from that level of comfort to sitting across from a man on a first date just like you played baseball in high school W you guys are a lot of fun thank you so much I'm older I know y'all can't tell cuz black don't crack but right so I'm I'm older like I have a 31 year [ __ ] that anyway right so so my my friends are passing away and and like for nothing like for for nothing these [ __ ] taking a nap you know what I'm saying I am from Brooklyn in the 90s you know what I'm saying they used to get shot like this mother they dying from hypertension and diabetes this is crazy about take a nap my friend just passing away taking a and so now I'm realizing we're living in a dash right there's a a birth date and then there's a death date and the dash is all this [ __ ] right and I'm like oh I want to do so much stuff and the so I'm in Scotland and uh and I'm walking around and my damn WiFi is spotty but I don't give a [ __ ] you know say I don't care so I'm walking around the rich parts of Scotland cuz I just feel the queen in me my last name is McLean I know this like some of these [ __ ] is my peoples you know what I'm saying some of these you know your daddy people you know you know even your daddy people you know but you know you [ __ ] with your mother family really your daddy people you act like them sometime that okay anyway so I'm in Scotland right I'm in Scotland I'm walking around I see this guy and he is gardening and I'm like yeah so I go into his garden right I go into his garden I'm talking to him about hydranges and [ __ ] you know I just say stuff to chat him up he had bad teeth he was tall but he was you know white and I was like this is going to be great because if I okay he invite he invited me to his his to his flat it was in a rich place it was so he was like I have this flat and if you come up you'll see the great you know skyline of Scotland and I was like all right cool so I went up there walked 300 Old staircase it was so amazing and I'm thinking to myself like if he kills me this will be the best [ __ ] ever you know what I'm saying my friends is dying from taking a nap like I will be in Scotland at a strange man's house maybe he'll behead me you know what I'm saying I would be I would be so famous I would be so famous CU Scotland they would name Fringe after me they' be like Fringe Ona festival and [ __ ] I stuck my head out his window thinking like he would behe me nothing happened he just kept explaining [ __ ] Scotland he gave me a recipe for haggies I said [ __ ] I was ke saying I got vagina under these pants that's like said I said how did I get so old I'm not in danger you know you can age out of rape did you know that [ __ ] I'm in a strange man house in a Strange Land I'm safe and [ __ ] how am I safe this is crazy I walked down them [ __ ] stairs I was pissed I said nothing happened no abduction you know I sh I'm tired of paying my bills you can nobody took me nothing just damn just went home that was crazy it was a [ __ ] up exper experience I said how did I get safe this is crazy and I know why cuz I don't keegle I I should I should keegle but I I don't keigle I just don't like the pelvic I just don't do it and the only time I do it is when I hear the word Keele and when I hear it then I'll do it right all the men like what is she talking about it's like lifting your pelvic floor up oh it's like it's like a [ __ ] pull up it's like a [ __ ] pull up and I could do do it when I don't do it until I hear the word keigle and then I do it and then I be like why are you not kegling you don't have to go to the gym to keegle you could just [ __ ] keegle I have peed on myself once or twice you know but I should kle it's because my bladder is connected to my Wi-Fi but soon as I got to go home like God damn [ __ ] I could be kingling are you kegling how many I know right like 20 you like God Dam trying to do double time I see your forehead like okay [ __ ] I could just gigle but I don't GLE I'm just happy to be a black woman at this time cuz I feel like the whole world is kissing our ass you know what I'm saying they know about the crown act y'all know so much it's so great it feels like being a white man like for one time I'm still talking about reparations nobody wants to talk about the reparations conversation but I feel like we should get reparations I'm African American I feel like now we doing people of color we doing all kinds of [ __ ] but I think we should get our [ __ ] first like we should get you know if there's a reparation stat like what the [ __ ] and and I said that online and this guy was like you weren't a slave [ __ ] I'm a woman in America yes the [ __ ] I am I'm still dating now I'm divorced but I'm dating it's crazy soon as you meet somebody you got to sit up there hi good morning queen how you doing good morning now I got a new job responding to this [ __ ] I just wanted to get a free drink now I got every morning good morning queen I text you this morning every morning God Jeremy [ __ ] in my DMs it's a sonic you know what I'm saying in my DM [ __ ] like oh my God the breast hair comes through you you be like my what this is crazy Roger you married you're [Applause] married married men are so ch in what's wrong with you they never say no what's wrong with you get out of here what is wrong with you get your ass out of here I love my wife but I like the [ __ ] out of you what [ __ ] is wrong with you poor wife and she's going to sit up there and you know have a whole post to my loving husband with his kind eyes uhhuh and his Deep Pockets [ __ ] and his Deep Pockets all right I want to do sprinkle sprinkle you know the sprinkle sprinkle lady lady oh my God woo I did it all wrong you know what it is I mismanaged my vagina in the '90s that's what happened and now I had no idea I had no idea that vagina was so valuable I didn't the younger it is the more valuable it is it's like Epstein built an island right it wasn't for 40 year olds it wasn't for 40 year olds you know could you imagine if he built it for 40 year- olds we'll be like you ain't going to be [ __ ] me every day where where is my sh I got to get chips I mismanaged my vagina I didn't know you had to wait for your frontal lob to develop I was already married I had two kids before my frontal Lo developed I was special needs I didn't know you had to wait for your brain nobody told me that [ __ ] I was in Community College they was like you know you don't really have your brain really [ __ ] I don't have I don't have capacity this is [ __ ] I would like my vagina back my name is Onika McLean thank you feeling good my uh my girlfriend and I just made 12 years together that's pretty good right 12 12 of them that's a long time 12 years it was a long time I um I sent her a dick pick like pretty recently she was like yeah I know like come on dude I tried to spice it up so I sent her a picture of my best friend's dick she was like yeah I know oh we're goofing around folks what the hell come on dude she cheating on me with a good friend of mine what the hell no she's white uh as hell so she's like a true crime lady she loves True Crime and uh and I watch it with her and that's like compelling television I just don't think normal people need this information in their heads you know like did you guys notice when a woman gets murdered nine times out of 10 her husband or boyfriend did it do you guys know that oh okay well [ __ ] me I guess every woman in here was like yeah dude we know we study our natural Predators we know that I didn't know that that's terrifying so like we've been together for a long time so if something happens to her I'm automatically the main suspect boo stinks I hate that cuz like with that knowledge in my head I could never react naturally if something did happen to her you know if I came home and she was dead on the floor my first thought would be like I got to get rid of this body like that there's no way I avoid prosecution there's no way my 911 call would even be suspicious I know the language too well a normal call would be like oh my God I don't know what happened just send someone quick I'd be like yeah we got a mid-30s female down blunt force trauma to the back of the head their boyfriend's the obvious suspect but he would never he's like a pretty chill guy oh God we've been together for 12 we've lived together for 10 we're not married people don't like that mostly married people they just want you to get married get married you piece of [ __ ] I'm miserable you be miserable just do it I think people just want you to live your life the way that they're living their lives I think that makes people feel more comfortable when they know that you're playing by the same rules that they're playing by does that make sense perfect example of this when I got my girlfriend pregnant before anybody even said congratulations first thing they said she has to stop drinking can't she can't keep drinking it's irresponsible I didn't drink when I was pregnant none of my girlfriends it's not true women can drink when they're pregnant not that big of a deal my girlfriend drank the entire time that she was pregnant and we didn't have any complications during the abortion it was fine the doctor was even shocked he was like I've never seen a baby this dad like how on Earth would you pull that off like she drinks quite a a bit doc I'm being honest with you just goofing around [Laughter] dude oh what the hell I did have a big day today though I spent uh 11 consecutive hours on Tik Tok that's not bad those are strong numbers I have a favorite genre of Tik Tok video I love the videos where a cop pulls a guy over and the guy that he pulls over knows more about the law than the cop does have we seen these vids oh a little brick of gold folks I love these cuz the cops really show you who they are in those videos they walk up to a guy's window and they're like hey buddy don't you step out of the car and the guy's like actually according to the Constitution I don't have to do anything of and the cops like hey buddy I'll kill you okay you you think I care about the Constitution dude two more murders and I'm running for Sheriff okay that joke should do better in Brooklyn just saying the hell else was I doing today I visited a couple of adult websites today um nothing creepy I'm a Christian it was fine but I was on page 9,000 and I found a video that I like and click on the video and like right before the video starts playing a little ad popped up right before the video it said are you tired of jerking off I was like no kind of Pumped about it honestly but the ad it was for like poring addiction so it's like a good thing but it's I had that ad pop up after the video that's what I'm willing to listen to you that's what I'm I just I'm in a puddle of my own shame I hate myself I'm just sitting there like I'm jerking off the m is incredible like what the hell before the video you can't stop me before the video I'm bulletproof before that video some I'm going to go break in and put a gun to my head and I be like look I just need 3 minutes just put that gun in my mouth it'll take one [Laughter] [Applause] minute oh man you ever jerk off with a gun in your mouth I'm Tim by the [Laughter] way goofing around I don't know I moved around a lot as a kid I lived in uh seven different States before I was 14 don't do that not good everybody thinks it was because of the military it wasn't it was just bad parenting that's all it was I was in fourth grade my dad was like hey buddy you enjoying your new school I was like yeah and he was like well pack your [ __ ] we ride it Dawn I moved from upstate New York to Southern Louisiana in the middle of my eth grade year so it was a it's a pretty seamless transition in my life South is different it is different here's some of the stereotypes unfortunately some of them are true I'd never heard somebody say the nword before I moved to the South ever I was in Louisiana for one day before I heard somebody say that I was like God damn like they just let the governor say that on TV that is an insane campaign promise my good man Jesus I don't say the n- word I don't like the n- word but I don't dislike it enough to listen to the edited versions of songs I just don't those songs stink they're not good I mean when every other word is bleeped out it just kind of [ __ ] up the whole tempo of the song at that point it doesn't even feel like authentic country music oh just goofing around up here dude I like telling that joke cuz you can see white people looking around to see if black people are laughing at it oops shouldn't have used that riff um I um I did when I I moved to New York clearly everybody tells you like New Yorkers are [ __ ] I moved here with like a full heart and an open mind I was like I bet they're not I bet they're great not true they're [ __ ] most of them I've been in New York for three days I was sitting on the subway this guy next to me just flat out refused to give me a sip of his Gatorade what do you just opened it like what all right man going to pop a 32 oer on the train and I can't wet my beak like what the hell is that I'm not cool enough to live here I'm just not everybody here's like on The Cutting Edge of like fashion and culture this is like this is as cool as I get right here I po this sweatshirt on I was like I look sick as hell right now dude my big plan to be cooler I was going to get my favorite quote tattooed on me thought that was going to be pretty sick went to the uh went to the tattoo artist he's like yeah man I could do that for like $800 I was like okay I guess I'll just remember it then if I don't need these two chains lyrics on me right now anyway the hell else is going on oh it's the birthday boy recently that's good yeah no it doesn't feel good getting older is odd like I just turned 27 years old and that's just like one of the [ __ ] you guys that some of you look concerned when I said that honestly oh no oh he's been through a lot I'm in my mid-30s I'm falling apart my body sucks you got to try in your mid-30s you got to try to keep it tight I'm exercising again you got to do that exercising though you know it's got its pros and its cons like pros you look better cons you live longer I don't love that I want to look better but like at what cost really you know what I mean like I'm not suicidal but I certainly wouldn't fight for my life you know when someone dies and everybody's like he fought like hell that was me that like boy he gave up immediately my grandfather's 95 every time I see him he's like I don't want to be here like same dude same hat it here oh my grandfather died shortly after I wrote that joke which is like a bummer cuz he was like my boy he wasn't just like grandpa so I was pretty broken up about it but then the inheritance money came through and I was like it was his time to go thanks for the new shoes Grandpa that's me bragging that I inherited $87 goofing around all right you guys are fun I'm Tim have a good night I came out as queer kind of young and there wasn't a lot of media I could connect to like it was pretty much just Katy Perry's song I Kissed a Girl and I don't believe her the one other thing I had was the TV show The word which I started watching relatively young because I wanted to know like what being queer even meant and there's a scene where two of the lesbians the LW is lesbian two of the lesbians are having sex in the shower and one of them gets up and goes to the toilet and starts peeing and then the other woman gets out of the shower and gets on top of her and they start having sex while she's peeing and I remember watching this and being like e is that what we do do I have to do that um the answer of course is that you don't have to you get to right I live with two straight men because I'm an ally to their Community they're broy but like the exact amount of broy that I can handle which is that when you meet them you can immediately tell that they are straight but you can also immediately tell that they have never caught a football you know um we do a lot of cultural Exchange in our house you know like I show them a clip from Keeping Up with the Kardashians and I explain that I think Kendall Jenner is gay and then they show me like a video of a whale exploding recently one of my roommates turned to me and said hey have you heard about serving [ __ ] kind of the way someone asks you if you've heard about Jesus Christ uh but like that's what living with two guys is you know like we're exposing each other to things we otherwise would not know about like I'm a cute girl in my 20s I should know about like glassier and Margaret Atwood and suddenly I know a lot about animal attacks and I don't mean the basic stuff like harambe no if you want to know more about the 2007 San Francisco Zoo tiger attack come talk to me after the show yeah one of my roommates uh made a joke about the kind of pornography where women get trapped in washing machines do we know about this okay I did not know about this and I had follow-up questions I was like that seems so specific and he was like not that I watch it but it's uh not that specific and I was like really are they custom building the machines to be big enough because what I thought it was was [Applause] this and that is not what it is no um it's a woman bent over uh with her head trapped in the machine which is so much less Whimsical and you know at the start of the conversation my roommate was very much like I've never seen it I just know what it is but then he started saying stuff like at the beginning of the videos they act so trapped but then later they pull their head out like it's easy which really disrupts The Narrative premise of the film so I think maybe he's seen some of it right I did not see any pornography until I was a senior in college does that make you guys like me more or less um my friend convinced me to try watching feminist pornography which after doing some field research does seem to be the same as regular pornography except it is better lit and people are less likely to be related my friend she sent me a site I clicked on the first video and it was a teacher scolding a student she was like you've been very bad you didn't do your homework did you and the thing was is that I had been very bad and I hadn't done my homework and it made me so nervous I turned it off and I wrote my essay on Jane Austin which I think might be the first recorded incident in human history of prenut clarity you know that thing your parents say to you when you're growing up that's like if all your friends jump off a bridge would you it's like yeah I don't want to be the one girl with all the dead friends my parents were very strict growing up they said a lot of things like that uh because I'm from the south people assume that my family is conservative but I actually think my dad just made up his own thing like all of his political opinions are just sort of creative he'll say stuff like when will those clowns in Congress buckle down and make a city with no left turns it's like what political party is that affiliated with um he won't tell anyone who he has voted for in any election okay mysterious um growing up I really tried to figure out if he was Republican and then I thought maybe he was libertarian and then I thought back to this time uh when my sister and I were little girls and we were fighting over a doll and my dad he came into the room and he put both our hands around each other's throats and he said share or just kill each other so I'm thinking maybe he's a communist right um I had a hard time in high school and at one point my dad came to me and he said I struggled at this age too and it's totally normal and he didn't normally share things like that with me so I was moved I was like wow what happened and he said oh I got it into my head I was God's chosen one that is not super helpful for an eating disorder um I asked my dad to go to therapy with me because believe it or not it's hard to have like a perfect relationship with someone who thinks he might be God the family therapist's name was Dr Amanda gay that's her real name and when I asked my dad if we could go see her he said oh it's odd that she goes by her first name Dr Amanda and I said what are you talking about her name is Dr Gay and he said Oh I thought that was her specialty yeah and after we see Dr Gay we're going to go see Dr jackass guess what her specialty is [Music] Dad um I've had to see a lot of Specialists I have a medical condition called vaginismus it means my pelvic FL is too tense uh in layman's terms sometimes my vagina just slams shut and uh when you have a vagin issue everyone ever is like oh my god do you do kull no no I can't make it any stronger I had to go to physical therapy for this which is exactly what it sounds like a nurse named Amy fingers you while telling you about her husband who she met on Bumble this of course costs1 of dollars so when the question of like who's going to pay on a date comes up for me there's no what are the genders who asked who no if you want to do something with me involving my pelvis you are paying for dinner I have to break even on this thing I got cat called recently um I'll own that I was asking for it I was wearing a shirt and pants a guy wolf whistled at me and and said ooh looking good baby and then seconds later a different guy wolf whistled at me and said what's up mama wait guys what am I to you guys am I mama or am my baby I just want to know who's breastfeeding who all right you guys I'm an AUD black thank [Applause]